Thursday, 26 May 2011

Submissives are Beautiful

I see submissive boys as beautiful, sweet and soft and lovely. And in need of care and protection and love. I know that there are probably a lot of submissives who don’t like that, who say it’s a stereotype and that they’re perfectly strong and capable of taking care of themselves, that being submissive doesn’t make them any less of a ‘man’. And I agree with that, this isn’t even about masculinity; I’m sure that they are all these things, but that doesn’t change this perception I have.

If you’re submissive, and especially if you’re the type of submissive that I’m attracted to, that clicks with me, that makes me go ‘ohhh’ with just general appreciation, then that’s the way I’ll view you. Sweet and lovely and someone for me to look after. And I was curious why this was my natural reaction, because in essence I see them as innocent, and it occurred to me today, why on earth do I see people obviously exposed to kink and knowing some of the darker things in the world, as innocent. So I started thinking about it some more, and I know what it is now.

To submit to me you have to open yourself completely, have to expose yourself, make yourself vulnerable and show me all of yourself. You have to place yourself into my hands knowingly, blindly, trustingly and give over all control to me. And in doing this, I see the parts of you that you’ve never shown anyone else, the inner deepest parts that you protect from the world. The pure innocence and part that trusts instinctively, the part that you might not even know is there because if you exposed it to the world it could be destroyed so easily. And that’s the part that I see, that I want to protect and nurture and embrace. I want to wrap myself up in it and care for it and love it and show it to you; show you how amazing it can be to just give it all up, to trust and reach out and expose the core of your being. And that part is what makes me gasp, makes me overcome with the essence of what it is; sweet and innocent and in need of protection. And /mine/ to protect, for you’ve given up your own defences, let it out, exposed and vulnerable, knowing that I’d keep it safe. It’s the most beautiful thing I could imagine; the core of another person, revealed to me out of love and trust and an ability that submissives like this have – to be open, to give all of themselves to something else.

So when I tell you that you’re sweet and soft, when I feel like I want to take you home and look after you, that I want to give you a home in my arms, don’t be offended that I think you can’t take care of yourself. It’s me sensing that special part of you, that core that is beautiful and unlike anything else, and wanting to protect that natural beauty. It’s instinctive and wild and beautiful, and I can’t help myself. It’s an emotional, psychological attraction, too deep for me to have realised it before.

And it breaks my heart, just a little. Whenever I feel that, whenever I make that connection, whenever I feel something inside of me reach out and brush something beautiful. It hurts a little sometimes, knowing it will never be mine, knowing there’s that amazing inner part of someone else that I only get a glimpse of here and there – perhaps when the D/s banter takes on a semi-serious undertone, perhaps when I’m in a particularly caring or dominant mood, perhaps when it’s so obvious that they’re desperate for someone to reach that part of them. Whenever I think of a sweet submissive boy with no one to hold and love that part of him – one of the boys I talk with, interact with, perhaps even play with a little, or some anonymous submissive soul – it hurts a little, knowing that I can’t give them that, show them that special part of themselves and bring it out to stroke and pet and care for.

Because I already have my submissive soul, I already have a boy who has exposed it all to me, who has made himself mine. And I’ve touched that part of him, embraced it, held it, cared for it and watched it grow, coming out more as it knows it will be protected, that nothing in the world will be allowed to destroy its innocence and sweetness. I can’t do that again. I can’t immerse myself in someone else the way I have with my boy, because the part of me that’s attracted to that in a boy, that needs it, is already lost in him. And it makes me so happy to see that part of him more and more, to see how unconsciously it comes out when I’m around now – whereas before I would go looking for it. He doesn’t need to think, to consider exposing himself, he just is open to me. How he looks at me and just smiles, pure and innocent and happy, and I see it in his eyes. Dreamy. In love. But more than that. Inner beauty, unable to help from coming up under his Mistress’s eyes, to nuzzle in my arms. It’s how this should be.

So, if you ever get the opportunity, embrace it, open yourself, place yourself willingly in her arms and give yourself over to the beauty inside of you that just wants a home and a chance to come out.

This is my tribute to submissive boys. You’re all beautiful.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Being Strong

Everything has been amazing between my boyfriend and I the last week. We haven’t been together, and we’re in exam period now, so traditionally this would be a time of feeling down and being stressed and not very happy. But for some reason, everything’s wonderful. I’ve felt freer and freer in my dominant role, and happy knowing I can just get what I want. This attitude has rather obviously been reflected in a lot of ways, which he of course picked up on, and went further and further into submission. I think this is the most strongly we’ve both felt our respective roles, and we both love that so much. Especially at the moment, because it has essentially made revising a lot easier, as we’ve felt more relaxed.

But today, just in the afternoon, I ended up feeling really nervous/worried/upset, and just generally weak. It was a combination of things; I’d gone out on an errand in town and the traffic had been a nightmare, there was nowhere to park and it was just really stressful, and I’d also been thinking about exams and revision and started getting really worried about them. Normal vanilla things that most of the time would be fine, but for some reason today really affected me. It’s kind of common to just feel like breaking down at some point during the exam period – at least it is for me ;) So I got back, feeling really kind of upset and like I was on the edge of breaking down, and waited for him to get back from his exam.

And when he got back, I found myself really not knowing what to do. I’d been completely his dominant Goddess for the past week, strong and confident and able to do anything, and it had been amazing for both of us. And I knew I would be, I knew that was who I was and who I would return to. But I also knew at that moment I wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms, or just tell him I was feeling really bad for some reason and ask him to comfort me. And I was hugely conflicted; on one side I knew I could do that, that he’d do that for me in a second and would think nothing of it, but on the other side I sort of knew me. I knew that if I indulged like that I would fall into feeling that, into just wanting him there, into clutching onto him and feeling weak and vulnerable. I knew that would affect both of us and it would be hard for me to get out of it, because as much as it's lovely to know you have someone there who will love and hold you, it’s kind of tempting to stay in that and let them make you feel better and be surrounded by their warmth, instead of getting out of the hole yourself, which just makes you feel desperate for them all the time. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone, but it’s kind of how I think I feel, I’ve never tried to put it into words before. But writing this is rather therapeutic, as I feel a lot better now (I felt better anyway, but this is kind of clearing it all from my system).

So I decided not to tell him, not to ask him to comfort me; I mean I told him the trip into town annoyed me (which it didn’t actually, so much as upset me) and that I was getting fed up of revision, but that’s kind of nothing new and nothing that would have made him think I wasn’t the dominant Goddess he was talking to in the morning. I decided to pretend and act like I was strong until I became strong again. And as the conversation went on, I started feeling better. His obvious submission to me, and the way he smiled when I talked to him with the same attitude I’d had for the last week, made me happy, reinforced my place for me as well and things got better. It helps when I feel responsible, or like I have to be strong for someone else and do the right thing as well, which was kind of the case as he needed to get on with revision and I felt I needed to suggest that he do so (despite how I was enjoying the conversation). So I told him to, enjoyed his reluctance to leave me and it made me feel good that I was being responsible, and I felt more like I was strong again. And I’m pretty sure if I’d have broken down I would have been there for a lot longer, even with his care and comfort.

So I’m still not sure about all this. In a relationship like this, I feel it’s important to be strong. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m the one that needs to be responsible – because whereas my pet is very responsible, he also doesn’t quite have the authority to make the decisions that need to be made :P – and I’m the one that needs to be stronger, in order to command the respect that I deserve. That doesn’t mean that he can’t or doesn’t respect me when I’m feeling weak, but it puts him in more sweet-loving-care mode than slightly fearful, in-awe slave mode ;) And I respect me more when I’m strong. I think that’s inevitable, really, that you respect yourself more when you’re strong and less when you’re weak. And how I see myself – probably much more than how he sees me anyway – has the most effect on how this dynamic is between us.

So I felt I did the right thing – and it worked out well. But it leaves me slightly confused as to how to handle things going forward. Although this worked wonderfully, I definitely feel that I’m completely entitled to seek comfort and support from my partner when I need it, and I’m not sure how that works with these feelings. I’m going to feel weak at times, and sometimes I really will need his support, it’s inevitable. But this has also shown me that sometimes I might wobble, feel like I need to collapse in his arms, when all I really need is to act like I’m completely in control – which puts me back in control. So I guess the big thing is to decide when is the right time to seek comfort and to be held, and when I can just lift myself out of everything. I think there are probably a lot of times where in the past I’ve broken down and gone looking for support, that it would have been much better to just use this solution. Of course, it helped already having him deep in subbie mode and having him look at me as if I was completely strong and in control, but the way things are now, I think that will just be the natural state more and more.

So, with that cathartic release, I can actually get on with my revision now :P I imagine he will of course see this tonight, hence going against the not telling him and just being strong plan, but I feel fine and back to normal now so it doesn't matter. Though I’d be curious to hear what anyone else feels about all this. I don’t support the nonsense view that the Domme has to be strong all the time…but most of the time? I don’t know. What does everyone else think?

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Things to Come: Just a Pleasure Toy

I want to bind and restrain someone, have him helpless and at my mercy, mine to tease and frustrate, unable to do anything about it. I want him to see me and be desperate for my touch, to be able to kiss me...certain parts of my be allowed to bring me pleasure, I want him to get hard at the light touches I give that nonetheless show who has all that gentle power, at the sight of me and the things I say, whisper, the things I suggest, the ideas I tease him with that are just out of their reach. I want him horny and moaning and desperate, begging for anything I might give him, on edge and begging for relief, for me, in any way. Then I want to talk to him about how horny I am, and what I want, how I want to feel their touch, to have him please and pleasure me. I want to look into that sweet, desperate boy's eyes and see what it does to him to hear about my plans, about how I want him to pleasure me, how I want him inside of me, feel his reaction to my kiss and touch's promise of the pleasure to come. I want to see him longing for the relief that that would bring, how being allowed to fuck me would feel.

I want to remove the restraints, tell him I'll allow him to get his pleasure freely from fucking me...and then, before we start, before I allow access, tease him until he's straining and desperate. And, just because I'm feeling evil, put a cock sheath on, enclosing my property so it can barely feel a thing, except for the rubber around it. Then I'll take him, encourage him to fuck me out of desperation, I'll guide him in me and watch as he desperately tries to feel something, hard and fast, desperate, and I'll enjoy the look in his eyes knowing he's so close but he can't feel a thing, knowing that he's just a step away from what would be heavenly bliss. I'll watch him go on - almost against his will, even when he realises it's completely pointless, because his body is so desperate - I'll see him moaning and holding me as tightly as he can, desperate and unfulfilled. And I'll love that I have this power, that I can make him this way, just by what I do, just because I'm feeling mean. And I'll watch as his body calms down, as he knows how pointless it is, how this was never about his pleasure anyway.

And I'll restrain him again to use him as I please, seeing in his eyes that he knows that's the way this is. I'll talk to him, laugh softly at his poor predicament, and have him tell me what he is, have him show me that he knows how he belongs, and knows who this is about. I'll watch as he moans pitifully knowing he won't be feeling anything more tonight, and refocuses his attention, giving himself entirely to pleasing his Goddess, knowing that it won't bring him anything and seeing how deeply he understands that that really isn't important.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Easter Shopping

A few weeks ago I went out shopping with my boyfriend. This was rather a change for me. I’ve never really been interested in shopping, and when we first started seeing each other the role reversal amused me quite a lot, since he was faar more interested in going out shopping with me than I was – any other girl would have loved it completely, I’m sure! It’s interesting thinking and talking about how I’ve changed over the years I’ve been with him. Apart from the obvious development of my dominant self and how that has grown, I’ve become a lot more ‘girly’; interested in clothes and fashions and generally looking good.

We went on quite a few shopping trips over the time we’ve been together, mostly because I ‘needed’ something in particular or because he suggested it and wanted to. I didn’t object to that at all, but it certainly wasn’t an activity I would really pursue. I was much more into when we went on ‘interesting’ shopping trips for D/s related things and toys.

I’ve changed, though. Over time, as my dominant side came out and I felt more and more sexy and like the Goddess I am, I wanted to express that more, wanted to dress up a bit, liked the idea of teasing boys, and I got more into vanilla shopping. So that particular trip was all of my initiative; I decided I wanted to do it, where we’d go, what sort of thing I wanted to buy and I really enjoyed it. We had a wonderful time, and he was a good obedient boy, carrying things for me and generally treating me when I wanted it.

I just find it interesting how the dominant side of me, and it coming out, has enhanced the vanilla side too, and the affect that has had. I’m very different from how I was at the beginning of this relationship and I really do love the ways various parts of me have evolved, developed and matured, so sometimes I may just speculate on how things are different than they were in the beginning.

We also ordered some more interesting things (online) to play with that week, and I got a couple of beautiful new latex dresses that I haven’t had near enough time to completely enjoy, but the brief scene we got to enjoy that week was wonderful.