Thursday, 20 January 2011

Controlling the Dance

I had an interesting discussion with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago.  I can’t remember exactly how it came about, but it led to a metaphor that seemed to describe the way I feel about things – our relationship in particular – very well.  We have many roles and are many things to each other; boyfriend/girlfriend, Domme/sub, friends (which encompasses a lot of general silliness and messing around with each other ;) ), and more recently we’ve started having more of a Goddess/slave relationship as well.  I was frustrated by the way this would change and we’d fluctuate between them, and end up in different moods wanting different things.  I’ve said quite a lot that I’d just like some consistency – to be able to be one way and not have it change so much, but I don’t think that’s true actually, because I need all of these roles and I wouldn’t want it to be inflexible.  But I do find it very difficult when I want something specific, when I’m feeling a certain way, and he just isn’t into it.

And I don’t mean disliking it, I mean just indifferent to it – forcing him to do something is hot, since we both know is because I want it and I can, and that in itself turns him on, but that’s different from him just not having any particular reaction, or me feeling like he’s just waiting for it to be over, or distracted in some way. 

And I was kind of frustrated by it because I felt that it led to us just doing what he wants, since if he wasn't into something I was into then it wasn't really any good for me either, so it ended up me just doing what he felt like doing.  And it's not like I have any particular objection to making him happy (despite how a lot of people say this relationship should go xD ) but I did feel it was a bit backwards, that he ended up getting more of what he wanted, than I did. 

There is, of course, the whole argument that hey if I want something I can just order it, and that's true, but the point is unless he is into it, I don't get much out of it and there isn't that much point.  I'm not interested in ordering him to do something that makes him inwardly shrug and do so without much effect on him, because I feed on his reactions, on his emotions.  That's what makes this hot for me.  If he doesn't have any then I don't see the point, and I don't do it.  So despite being a Domme and able to order pretty much any action I want, I can't order him to have certain feelings or reactions, or to be in the same mood as me, so getting what I want is actually a lot harder than you'd think! 

Quite a lot of times, I've found myself trying to 'get' him into a certain mood, so that I can then get what I want.  But this has mixed success, and half the time I just end up feeling frustrated and rejected about it, which of course doesn't make him feel particularly submissive or likely to react how I want.  But I am now clearer about what I want, which I wasn't so much before.  I was of the impression 'if I can make him do whatever I want, how come I don't feel like I'm getting what I want half the time?' whereas now I realise that that was because I didn't want certain actions, I wanted him to respond in certain ways, and I wanted our moods to align.

I described it to him in the metaphor of a dance, and it worked quite well.  I said I felt that we were both dancing together, but that half the time we were in different moods and therefore out of sync, dancing in different ways and to different music, and that when this happened it ended in confusion and frustration on both our sides.  But when we were aligned, and felt the same thing, it was wonderful and amazing and we were both so completely lost in it.  I went on to say that it wasn't control of specific actions I really wanted (though of course that is hot, and of course I want it), but that, if our relationship was like a dance, I wanted to be the one in control of that dance, playing with his moods and emotions to match mine perfectly, leading the dance and having him follow, unable to help himself or resist.  That is a lot hotter for me.

That sounds kind of extreme to me, and I wondered whether he’d think it was too much when I mentioned it; I mean, I was saying I wanted to be in control of not only what he does, but what he thinks and feels too.  But he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.  And I know that I want to be in control of these things for him, too, not just for my own desires but to make us both so much happier.  I want him to be in a mood where he’s receptive; I want him to enjoy – on some level at least – all the things we do and all the things I demand of him.  When I told him this he said that it was really lovely of me, that I cared about him and his feelings that much.  And yes, I do feel that way and care about his feelings, but it’s not just me being lovely; part of it is selfish too – after all, if he’s really into it, it’s such a massive feedback loop and we just both feel amazing.

Of course, I have no real idea how to go about doing this, but knowing what I’m aiming for helps.  Some of it is automatic;  if I feel really dominant he’ll often pick up on it and his mood will change accordingly, but most of it, I can’t really control.  Still, I’m glad to have come to this conclusion and to know more about what I want.  And it makes it easier in a way, for me to just go ahead and do what I like, and if I do it with confidence – and not uncertainty about how he’s feeling and what he wants – then often he just falls in line anyway.

Friday, 14 January 2011

Fixing things that go wrong

A week or so ago, I was feeling really dominant, in a way that doesn’t come out that often, and I completely melted my boy.  I was sensual, and sadistic, and hot, and I could /feel/ it, and see it in his eyes.  There’s something about feeding off that look of submission, knowing he’s completely *gone* and Mine to use and play with any way I pleased.

I can’t remember too much of what we did, exactly (I should have written this post earlier, but there’s been a lot of stuff going on, and a lot of other feelings have left my memory of this night a bit sketchy, but I wanted to record it anyway).  But we had an amazing time, and I was leading it the whole way through, completely in control and knowing he was at my mercy, knowing he was lost in headspace and unable to resist anything I might demand of him.  It was absolutely delicious, and feeling that way is one of the best things I’ve ever felt, and I think he would agree.  I honestly don’t think of him and see him as my slave that much, though I would like to, but it was all there that night.

We played, in various ways I think, and ended up cuddling on the bed and watching something, still in that mindset, with him focused on me and my pleasure as we watched the programme.  When we eventually went to bed, I told him that he was to sleep at my feet that night, and he could kiss and hold them as he fell asleep.  We’ve done this a couple of times before, and it’s made both of us feel pretty amazing and close to each other, and him in particular feel submissive and beautiful the next morning.  It’s sort of a ‘knowing his place’ thing, which both of us love. 

However, it took me longer than usual to get to sleep and an hour or so later, I saw him move from where he was lying at the end of my bed, up to lying next to me.  I was pretty shocked, and upset that he’d do that, before I sort of realised (or at least, half-believed, since I wasn’t entirely certain) that he’d been asleep and it had been a subconscious thing.  I realised that pretty much as I was in the process of rolling over and asking him what he was doing.  He woke up quite confused and it probably didn’t help that he woke up to my confusion and questions.  When he said he didn’t know what had happened, I looked at him for a minute trying to figure out (in my tired, sleepy mind) how to react.  Both how I wanted to react and how I should.  Eventually I said that he could sleep at the foot of the bed on the floor, then, with a blanket.  He didn’t move for a minute, then started moving to where I’d said he could sleep.  His movements seemed kind of jerky, and I was pretty sure he was angry at me, which led to a mixed reaction of anger/irritation/concern, and a sinking feeling about the whole thing.

I lay back and thought about the whole thing for a while (about 15 minutes), just going through what I felt and trying to clarify my reaction, and work out why I was feeling so uneasy about the whole thing.  I didn’t feel I was wrong to make him sleep on the floor (which is something we’ve done once before) since I’m completely within my rights to do so, but I felt it had sort of come from the wrong place.  I didn’t tell him to do it as punishment for moving or anything like that, but I thought it could probably be interpreted like that.  My mind was a bit sleep fogged and my thoughts sort of went “well, I wanted him to sleep at my feet and he couldn’t stay there, so if he sleeps at my feet on the floor, he wouldn’t have to worry about moving away from that in his sleep”.  But it occurred to me afterwards that although this was physically the most similar option, it wasn’t emotionally – it didn’t enhance the mood and atmosphere I wanted, which was mostly loveliness and belonging sweetly at my feet.  Having him sleep on the floor was a lot more of a harsh ‘you are my slave’ type action, when all I wanted to convey was love and tenderness and have him where he belonged; gently at my feet.  Of course after working this out, I didn’t quite know what to do.  I felt very mixed about whether I should just leave it and go to sleep now I had actually made the decision, and changing it would be kind of awkward.  And I wasn’t quite sure I could face it if he were angry with me, and if I went to tell him I wanted him to sleep next to me, and he responded with anger.  The mood had been so beautiful the whole evening, and everything had felt so perfect, that I didn’t want to break it with him viewing me as inconsistent or not certain as to what I want, or just with seeing him angry and feeling bad enough about the whole thing that I would just collapse instead of being able to deal with it.

Eventually I just went for it and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at him below me.  I nudged him with my feet a little, and told him to kneel for me.  He opened his eyes, somewhat blearily, and I could see the flash of anger or annoyance there, but he knelt, and when he looked up at me he was beautifully submissive again, and it melted my heart.  I stroked his cheek and asked him if he wished to spend the night next to me, in my arms.  He did, of course, and I told him to come up into my arms.  I held him for a while, just stroking him and feeling the bad feelings go away, for both of us.  I asked him how he’d felt about the whole thing, and he said he had been angry, but he’d let go of it and just submitted, which was beautiful.  I clarified I hadn’t been punishing or correcting him when I’d sent him down there (which was where his anger came from; at the unfairness, since he felt he couldn’t control his movement).  I apologised for being inconsistent and messing things up a bit, and he said I didn’t need to apologise for anything, but he appreciated that I did.  He said some really beautiful things to me, that I wanted to remember and record but it’s been too long, and it was just generally all lovely and amazing, and exactly the sort of mood I’d intended to end the night in.  I don’t feel like I manage to do that much – handle a situation that just goes wrong, without losing the mood both my sub and I are in, so this was really special to me, on top of all the warm fuzzy feelings I was feeling anyway from the night in general.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Anonymity, Honesty and Blogging

My boyfriend reads this blog.  I love that he does, it means we can talk about things I might write, it means he knows that inner part of me that comes out when I write, that I can't just reach for in a conversation, he can follow my inner revelations, and read my memories and my view of events and things we share.  (At least this is the idea anyway, and part of my motivation for writing at all, though so far not much has come of it).

But I also partly wish that he didn't.  It means I worry about what I post, I think about what I might say and I wonder if my posts are fair to him, and I wouldn't do that if this was only being read by strangers on the internet, if this was totally anonymous.  And it seems strange to me, and somewhat wrong, that I may be able to be more honest about myself and my relationship with anonymous strangers on the internet, than I can with my partner.  And at the same time it makes perfect sense; of course I can be more honest with complete strangers; they have no investment in my opinions and feelings, it doesn't affect them in the slightest, and if I offend them I don't really care.

I want to be open and honest about my relationship here, and I want to be open and honest about my relationship with my boyfriend too, but some of it is hard, and I feel like some of the things I may want to write here would come across completely wrong.  Like, I thought of a really interesting post a couple of weeks ago, about submissives initiating things, that basically came from the thought "I'd really like him to ask me to cane him, and he never has", which I happened to fantasise about several times in a row.  It seems, however, a bit unfair to write a post about whether submissives initiate things and why they may/may not, based on my one example of him never asking me to cane him, I mean it's not like he hasn't initiated other things.  Both because it could be read as me extrapolating something ridiculous from something small (You never initiate anything because you don't do this one particular thing) and because it seems a bit unfair to make such a big issue out of him not doing something I've never mentioned I would like (which I haven't, mainly because it was just a surface thought/desire that appeared and then disappeared before I mentioned it to him). 

And that's the thing.  A lot of stuff that might inspire me to write a post can be really small, little things, and sometimes little problems that I've just never mentioned to him because they're mostly transitory.  And writing about them in a post would make them kind of solid, big things, when really it's more the ideas and feelings behind them that I start getting interested in delving into, and the actual things that spark the inspiration are not that important to me, or I probably would have already mentioned them to him.  I guess it just feels strange that I might reveal something to the internet, through a post that requires time and effort, that I haven't already told him, but a lot of this stuff just doesn't really come up, I just don't think about it.

The other thing is that, of course, I'm talking about him in a lot of this.  And I may say he feels a certain thing, or thinks a certain way.  And I may be completely wrong in this, and actually he thinks another thing, and since most of the time I would probably be simplifying and generalising his feelings, most of the time I would not capture what he feels that accurately, unless I were to write a whole post about it to explore it properly, which isn't really the way I picture mentioning the way he feels.  I don't actually think he'd have much of a problem if I did say something that was wrong (though I can imagine the whole "How can you think I think that when I do/say XYZ all the time?!" but probably more because I can imagine me reacting that way and getting hurt, in similar circumstances).  But it sort of gets me, the idea that I might be misrepresenting him to the whole of the internet.  Which is a silly feeling, really, but one that kind of makes me hesitate, nonetheless.

To be honest, writing this, a lot of it seems rather silly, which is good.  It seemed like kind of a big thing, in my head, but I think that was probably because I was worried I couldn't be honest about some things with my boyfriend, and that seemed like a very bad way to be, since I do try to be honest about everything with him.  But I don't think it's that.  I think I viewed it as 'I feel I can be more honest with strangers than with my partner?!' and that seemed wrong.  But actually, this is more just my own head, thoughts and feelings within myself, and it makes sense that part of me worries about them being open and exposed.  Writing leaves me feeling open, and vulnerable sometimes, since it allows a window into my inner self, into who I am.  Even when someone reads my fiction I feel that, let alone if someone were to read my personal thoughts.  And I want to expose all these random thoughts and feelings and share them with him, but I think I just don't want it to end up hurting him, or us, because since I'm not talking /to/ him, but about and around him if you will, there could easily be miscommunication.  But I don't think that would be that hard to handle anymore, and I think in many ways it would be good; it may well clear up misunderstandings between us, if he can see what I think about things. I like how writing things down clears things up some of the time.  And I look forward to sharing random parts of myself with anyone on the internet who might be interested, and with my partner.

Lack of Posts

I haven't posted anything for about a month now.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm finding it a bit difficult to work out what I want to write, and how I want to write it.  I started this blog because I read a lot of blogs, and they inspired something in me that made me want to write, that made me want to have and express what they did.  I wanted the violent passion of Ferns' blog (Domme Chronicles), the beauty and sentiments in Selena and Dymion's blog (Mount-Latmus), and the radical honesty and ability to hash through and analyse problems in Dev's blog (Devastating Yet Inconsequential).  And I think in part, wanting all these different things, and wanting different writing styles has conflicted in me a bit, and I am not yet sure what /my/ writing style is like.  It is probably at times all of these things, and at times none, but I think my voice is finding it hard to get out in some way.  I am not sure.  But I feel a bit bad about starting this blog and then semi-abandoning it, and that is not my intention, and not what I think will happen.  Also, it is a bit difficult at times to know what, or how much, to say about things, for reasons I will mention in my next blog post.  And yes, there will be a next blog post, very soon most probably.  I have many thoughts buzzing around in my head right now, in a way that means I have to get them down, which is why I am writing this at 5am. 

So I guess this is just a message to say I am around, and contemplating writing many things, but somehow it just hasn't really happened yet.  But since I now have about 3 blog posts running round in my head, I imagine in the next day or two there will be many more.  I just wanted to acknowledge the rather large gap between posts, though, and attempt to explain it.