I had an interesting discussion with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. I can’t remember exactly how it came about, but it led to a metaphor that seemed to describe the way I feel about things – our relationship in particular – very well. We have many roles and are many things to each other; boyfriend/girlfriend, Domme/sub, friends (which encompasses a lot of general silliness and messing around with each other ;) ), and more recently we’ve started having more of a Goddess/slave relationship as well. I was frustrated by the way this would change and we’d fluctuate between them, and end up in different moods wanting different things. I’ve said quite a lot that I’d just like some consistency – to be able to be one way and not have it change so much, but I don’t think that’s true actually, because I need all of these roles and I wouldn’t want it to be inflexible. But I do find it very difficult when I want something specific, when I’m feeling a certain way, and he just isn’t into it.
And I don’t mean disliking it, I mean just indifferent to it – forcing him to do something is hot, since we both know is because I want it and I can, and that in itself turns him on, but that’s different from him just not having any particular reaction, or me feeling like he’s just waiting for it to be over, or distracted in some way.
And I was kind of frustrated by it because I felt that it led to us just doing what he wants, since if he wasn't into something I was into then it wasn't really any good for me either, so it ended up me just doing what he felt like doing. And it's not like I have any particular objection to making him happy (despite how a lot of people say this relationship should go xD ) but I did feel it was a bit backwards, that he ended up getting more of what he wanted, than I did.
There is, of course, the whole argument that hey if I want something I can just order it, and that's true, but the point is unless he is into it, I don't get much out of it and there isn't that much point. I'm not interested in ordering him to do something that makes him inwardly shrug and do so without much effect on him, because I feed on his reactions, on his emotions. That's what makes this hot for me. If he doesn't have any then I don't see the point, and I don't do it. So despite being a Domme and able to order pretty much any action I want, I can't order him to have certain feelings or reactions, or to be in the same mood as me, so getting what I want is actually a lot harder than you'd think!
Quite a lot of times, I've found myself trying to 'get' him into a certain mood, so that I can then get what I want. But this has mixed success, and half the time I just end up feeling frustrated and rejected about it, which of course doesn't make him feel particularly submissive or likely to react how I want. But I am now clearer about what I want, which I wasn't so much before. I was of the impression 'if I can make him do whatever I want, how come I don't feel like I'm getting what I want half the time?' whereas now I realise that that was because I didn't want certain actions, I wanted him to respond in certain ways, and I wanted our moods to align.
I described it to him in the metaphor of a dance, and it worked quite well. I said I felt that we were both dancing together, but that half the time we were in different moods and therefore out of sync, dancing in different ways and to different music, and that when this happened it ended in confusion and frustration on both our sides. But when we were aligned, and felt the same thing, it was wonderful and amazing and we were both so completely lost in it. I went on to say that it wasn't control of specific actions I really wanted (though of course that is hot, and of course I want it), but that, if our relationship was like a dance, I wanted to be the one in control of that dance, playing with his moods and emotions to match mine perfectly, leading the dance and having him follow, unable to help himself or resist. That is a lot hotter for me.
That sounds kind of extreme to me, and I wondered whether he’d think it was too much when I mentioned it; I mean, I was saying I wanted to be in control of not only what he does, but what he thinks and feels too. But he didn’t seem to have a problem with it. And I know that I want to be in control of these things for him, too, not just for my own desires but to make us both so much happier. I want him to be in a mood where he’s receptive; I want him to enjoy – on some level at least – all the things we do and all the things I demand of him. When I told him this he said that it was really lovely of me, that I cared about him and his feelings that much. And yes, I do feel that way and care about his feelings, but it’s not just me being lovely; part of it is selfish too – after all, if he’s really into it, it’s such a massive feedback loop and we just both feel amazing.
Of course, I have no real idea how to go about doing this, but knowing what I’m aiming for helps. Some of it is automatic; if I feel really dominant he’ll often pick up on it and his mood will change accordingly, but most of it, I can’t really control. Still, I’m glad to have come to this conclusion and to know more about what I want. And it makes it easier in a way, for me to just go ahead and do what I like, and if I do it with confidence – and not uncertainty about how he’s feeling and what he wants – then often he just falls in line anyway.