Thursday, 26 May 2011

Submissives are Beautiful

I see submissive boys as beautiful, sweet and soft and lovely. And in need of care and protection and love. I know that there are probably a lot of submissives who don’t like that, who say it’s a stereotype and that they’re perfectly strong and capable of taking care of themselves, that being submissive doesn’t make them any less of a ‘man’. And I agree with that, this isn’t even about masculinity; I’m sure that they are all these things, but that doesn’t change this perception I have.

If you’re submissive, and especially if you’re the type of submissive that I’m attracted to, that clicks with me, that makes me go ‘ohhh’ with just general appreciation, then that’s the way I’ll view you. Sweet and lovely and someone for me to look after. And I was curious why this was my natural reaction, because in essence I see them as innocent, and it occurred to me today, why on earth do I see people obviously exposed to kink and knowing some of the darker things in the world, as innocent. So I started thinking about it some more, and I know what it is now.

To submit to me you have to open yourself completely, have to expose yourself, make yourself vulnerable and show me all of yourself. You have to place yourself into my hands knowingly, blindly, trustingly and give over all control to me. And in doing this, I see the parts of you that you’ve never shown anyone else, the inner deepest parts that you protect from the world. The pure innocence and part that trusts instinctively, the part that you might not even know is there because if you exposed it to the world it could be destroyed so easily. And that’s the part that I see, that I want to protect and nurture and embrace. I want to wrap myself up in it and care for it and love it and show it to you; show you how amazing it can be to just give it all up, to trust and reach out and expose the core of your being. And that part is what makes me gasp, makes me overcome with the essence of what it is; sweet and innocent and in need of protection. And /mine/ to protect, for you’ve given up your own defences, let it out, exposed and vulnerable, knowing that I’d keep it safe. It’s the most beautiful thing I could imagine; the core of another person, revealed to me out of love and trust and an ability that submissives like this have – to be open, to give all of themselves to something else.

So when I tell you that you’re sweet and soft, when I feel like I want to take you home and look after you, that I want to give you a home in my arms, don’t be offended that I think you can’t take care of yourself. It’s me sensing that special part of you, that core that is beautiful and unlike anything else, and wanting to protect that natural beauty. It’s instinctive and wild and beautiful, and I can’t help myself. It’s an emotional, psychological attraction, too deep for me to have realised it before.

And it breaks my heart, just a little. Whenever I feel that, whenever I make that connection, whenever I feel something inside of me reach out and brush something beautiful. It hurts a little sometimes, knowing it will never be mine, knowing there’s that amazing inner part of someone else that I only get a glimpse of here and there – perhaps when the D/s banter takes on a semi-serious undertone, perhaps when I’m in a particularly caring or dominant mood, perhaps when it’s so obvious that they’re desperate for someone to reach that part of them. Whenever I think of a sweet submissive boy with no one to hold and love that part of him – one of the boys I talk with, interact with, perhaps even play with a little, or some anonymous submissive soul – it hurts a little, knowing that I can’t give them that, show them that special part of themselves and bring it out to stroke and pet and care for.

Because I already have my submissive soul, I already have a boy who has exposed it all to me, who has made himself mine. And I’ve touched that part of him, embraced it, held it, cared for it and watched it grow, coming out more as it knows it will be protected, that nothing in the world will be allowed to destroy its innocence and sweetness. I can’t do that again. I can’t immerse myself in someone else the way I have with my boy, because the part of me that’s attracted to that in a boy, that needs it, is already lost in him. And it makes me so happy to see that part of him more and more, to see how unconsciously it comes out when I’m around now – whereas before I would go looking for it. He doesn’t need to think, to consider exposing himself, he just is open to me. How he looks at me and just smiles, pure and innocent and happy, and I see it in his eyes. Dreamy. In love. But more than that. Inner beauty, unable to help from coming up under his Mistress’s eyes, to nuzzle in my arms. It’s how this should be.

So, if you ever get the opportunity, embrace it, open yourself, place yourself willingly in her arms and give yourself over to the beauty inside of you that just wants a home and a chance to come out.

This is my tribute to submissive boys. You’re all beautiful.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Being Strong

Everything has been amazing between my boyfriend and I the last week. We haven’t been together, and we’re in exam period now, so traditionally this would be a time of feeling down and being stressed and not very happy. But for some reason, everything’s wonderful. I’ve felt freer and freer in my dominant role, and happy knowing I can just get what I want. This attitude has rather obviously been reflected in a lot of ways, which he of course picked up on, and went further and further into submission. I think this is the most strongly we’ve both felt our respective roles, and we both love that so much. Especially at the moment, because it has essentially made revising a lot easier, as we’ve felt more relaxed.

But today, just in the afternoon, I ended up feeling really nervous/worried/upset, and just generally weak. It was a combination of things; I’d gone out on an errand in town and the traffic had been a nightmare, there was nowhere to park and it was just really stressful, and I’d also been thinking about exams and revision and started getting really worried about them. Normal vanilla things that most of the time would be fine, but for some reason today really affected me. It’s kind of common to just feel like breaking down at some point during the exam period – at least it is for me ;) So I got back, feeling really kind of upset and like I was on the edge of breaking down, and waited for him to get back from his exam.

And when he got back, I found myself really not knowing what to do. I’d been completely his dominant Goddess for the past week, strong and confident and able to do anything, and it had been amazing for both of us. And I knew I would be, I knew that was who I was and who I would return to. But I also knew at that moment I wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms, or just tell him I was feeling really bad for some reason and ask him to comfort me. And I was hugely conflicted; on one side I knew I could do that, that he’d do that for me in a second and would think nothing of it, but on the other side I sort of knew me. I knew that if I indulged like that I would fall into feeling that, into just wanting him there, into clutching onto him and feeling weak and vulnerable. I knew that would affect both of us and it would be hard for me to get out of it, because as much as it's lovely to know you have someone there who will love and hold you, it’s kind of tempting to stay in that and let them make you feel better and be surrounded by their warmth, instead of getting out of the hole yourself, which just makes you feel desperate for them all the time. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone, but it’s kind of how I think I feel, I’ve never tried to put it into words before. But writing this is rather therapeutic, as I feel a lot better now (I felt better anyway, but this is kind of clearing it all from my system).

So I decided not to tell him, not to ask him to comfort me; I mean I told him the trip into town annoyed me (which it didn’t actually, so much as upset me) and that I was getting fed up of revision, but that’s kind of nothing new and nothing that would have made him think I wasn’t the dominant Goddess he was talking to in the morning. I decided to pretend and act like I was strong until I became strong again. And as the conversation went on, I started feeling better. His obvious submission to me, and the way he smiled when I talked to him with the same attitude I’d had for the last week, made me happy, reinforced my place for me as well and things got better. It helps when I feel responsible, or like I have to be strong for someone else and do the right thing as well, which was kind of the case as he needed to get on with revision and I felt I needed to suggest that he do so (despite how I was enjoying the conversation). So I told him to, enjoyed his reluctance to leave me and it made me feel good that I was being responsible, and I felt more like I was strong again. And I’m pretty sure if I’d have broken down I would have been there for a lot longer, even with his care and comfort.

So I’m still not sure about all this. In a relationship like this, I feel it’s important to be strong. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m the one that needs to be responsible – because whereas my pet is very responsible, he also doesn’t quite have the authority to make the decisions that need to be made :P – and I’m the one that needs to be stronger, in order to command the respect that I deserve. That doesn’t mean that he can’t or doesn’t respect me when I’m feeling weak, but it puts him in more sweet-loving-care mode than slightly fearful, in-awe slave mode ;) And I respect me more when I’m strong. I think that’s inevitable, really, that you respect yourself more when you’re strong and less when you’re weak. And how I see myself – probably much more than how he sees me anyway – has the most effect on how this dynamic is between us.

So I felt I did the right thing – and it worked out well. But it leaves me slightly confused as to how to handle things going forward. Although this worked wonderfully, I definitely feel that I’m completely entitled to seek comfort and support from my partner when I need it, and I’m not sure how that works with these feelings. I’m going to feel weak at times, and sometimes I really will need his support, it’s inevitable. But this has also shown me that sometimes I might wobble, feel like I need to collapse in his arms, when all I really need is to act like I’m completely in control – which puts me back in control. So I guess the big thing is to decide when is the right time to seek comfort and to be held, and when I can just lift myself out of everything. I think there are probably a lot of times where in the past I’ve broken down and gone looking for support, that it would have been much better to just use this solution. Of course, it helped already having him deep in subbie mode and having him look at me as if I was completely strong and in control, but the way things are now, I think that will just be the natural state more and more.

So, with that cathartic release, I can actually get on with my revision now :P I imagine he will of course see this tonight, hence going against the not telling him and just being strong plan, but I feel fine and back to normal now so it doesn't matter. Though I’d be curious to hear what anyone else feels about all this. I don’t support the nonsense view that the Domme has to be strong all the time…but most of the time? I don’t know. What does everyone else think?

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Things to Come: Just a Pleasure Toy

I want to bind and restrain someone, have him helpless and at my mercy, mine to tease and frustrate, unable to do anything about it. I want him to see me and be desperate for my touch, to be able to kiss me...certain parts of my be allowed to bring me pleasure, I want him to get hard at the light touches I give that nonetheless show who has all that gentle power, at the sight of me and the things I say, whisper, the things I suggest, the ideas I tease him with that are just out of their reach. I want him horny and moaning and desperate, begging for anything I might give him, on edge and begging for relief, for me, in any way. Then I want to talk to him about how horny I am, and what I want, how I want to feel their touch, to have him please and pleasure me. I want to look into that sweet, desperate boy's eyes and see what it does to him to hear about my plans, about how I want him to pleasure me, how I want him inside of me, feel his reaction to my kiss and touch's promise of the pleasure to come. I want to see him longing for the relief that that would bring, how being allowed to fuck me would feel.

I want to remove the restraints, tell him I'll allow him to get his pleasure freely from fucking me...and then, before we start, before I allow access, tease him until he's straining and desperate. And, just because I'm feeling evil, put a cock sheath on, enclosing my property so it can barely feel a thing, except for the rubber around it. Then I'll take him, encourage him to fuck me out of desperation, I'll guide him in me and watch as he desperately tries to feel something, hard and fast, desperate, and I'll enjoy the look in his eyes knowing he's so close but he can't feel a thing, knowing that he's just a step away from what would be heavenly bliss. I'll watch him go on - almost against his will, even when he realises it's completely pointless, because his body is so desperate - I'll see him moaning and holding me as tightly as he can, desperate and unfulfilled. And I'll love that I have this power, that I can make him this way, just by what I do, just because I'm feeling mean. And I'll watch as his body calms down, as he knows how pointless it is, how this was never about his pleasure anyway.

And I'll restrain him again to use him as I please, seeing in his eyes that he knows that's the way this is. I'll talk to him, laugh softly at his poor predicament, and have him tell me what he is, have him show me that he knows how he belongs, and knows who this is about. I'll watch as he moans pitifully knowing he won't be feeling anything more tonight, and refocuses his attention, giving himself entirely to pleasing his Goddess, knowing that it won't bring him anything and seeing how deeply he understands that that really isn't important.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Easter Shopping

A few weeks ago I went out shopping with my boyfriend. This was rather a change for me. I’ve never really been interested in shopping, and when we first started seeing each other the role reversal amused me quite a lot, since he was faar more interested in going out shopping with me than I was – any other girl would have loved it completely, I’m sure! It’s interesting thinking and talking about how I’ve changed over the years I’ve been with him. Apart from the obvious development of my dominant self and how that has grown, I’ve become a lot more ‘girly’; interested in clothes and fashions and generally looking good.

We went on quite a few shopping trips over the time we’ve been together, mostly because I ‘needed’ something in particular or because he suggested it and wanted to. I didn’t object to that at all, but it certainly wasn’t an activity I would really pursue. I was much more into when we went on ‘interesting’ shopping trips for D/s related things and toys.

I’ve changed, though. Over time, as my dominant side came out and I felt more and more sexy and like the Goddess I am, I wanted to express that more, wanted to dress up a bit, liked the idea of teasing boys, and I got more into vanilla shopping. So that particular trip was all of my initiative; I decided I wanted to do it, where we’d go, what sort of thing I wanted to buy and I really enjoyed it. We had a wonderful time, and he was a good obedient boy, carrying things for me and generally treating me when I wanted it.

I just find it interesting how the dominant side of me, and it coming out, has enhanced the vanilla side too, and the affect that has had. I’m very different from how I was at the beginning of this relationship and I really do love the ways various parts of me have evolved, developed and matured, so sometimes I may just speculate on how things are different than they were in the beginning.

We also ordered some more interesting things (online) to play with that week, and I got a couple of beautiful new latex dresses that I haven’t had near enough time to completely enjoy, but the brief scene we got to enjoy that week was wonderful.

Saturday, 23 April 2011

The End and a New Beginning

Well, a lot has happened in the last few weeks. I was going to write a post about a bit of it, but actually when I had my slaveboy write a summary of how he felt the last few weeks (especially this week) had gone, and how it had affected him, that ended up being pretty much everything that needs to be said :D So I thought I'd share with you all his perspective on how things are at the moment, and you can hear from him for the first time on this blog - he's a sweetie. I must say, I'm loving the recent changes in everything, and I thought what he wrote was beautiful. I feel on top of the world, and that everything is how it should be. He's also managed to convince me that photos would make a great addition to this blog, so now readers have that to look forward to as well ;)

The end and a new beginning

I wrote this as a result of receiving a text from my Mistress ordering me to drop everything I was doing and to write her something about our relationship and the most recent developments.

This is a very lengthy post in which I want to describe how my D/s relationship with my girlfriend went from almost dying to stronger than ever. I want to use the opportunity to express how much I love and worship my Mistress and how she makes me feel like the luckiest boy in the world.

The end?

About two weeks ago out relationship had reached an all-time low. I had lost all the wonder and devotion I had started to feel for my Mistress over the past one and a half years. I had felt it dwindle over the few previous weeks and it greatly upset me. On this faithful day I told my Mistress that I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on like this and how I wasn’t sure I could still be her slave. I still loved her dearly and wanted to be with her but I couldn’t see how I could be her slave without feeling the respect and devotion a slave ought to feel for his Mistress. To make things worse I had disobeyed her direct orders several times over the last few months and I am ashamed to admit I didn’t even feel bad about it at the time neither did it cause me any great difficulty to do so.

Following this discussion things got worse for both of us we were both really upset and devastated although she was projecting it outwards a lot more. To make matters worse this was the weekend before I left to go on holiday with my family and we wouldn’t see each other for 10 days.

A new beginning

Things continued to deteriorate and I felt like the relationship was dying a slow but certain death. Then suddenly almost out of nowhere my Mistress sent me the following message during a pretty low key vanilla Skype conversation:

“Also, today you're required to address me properly when you talk to me; not in everything you say, especially if it's a chain of things, but I expect it every time you greet me, ask me for something, respond to something I've asked, thank me for something etc. For general conversation, I also expect it in general, but not all the time, or as I said every sentence.

You're also required, in general, not just today, to ask me if you want to go anywhere. If I'm not here or don't respond quickly and others are waiting for you, you can go ahead and say that and go as you did yesterday, but you must ask.
If you don't meet my expectations here then I will correct you for it, though because the first is a new and temporary rule I'll give you a couple of warnings before actually correcting you for making a mistake.

Before everything went meh and stuff I had really started making an effort to be consistent and to not let things just go if something happened, because that is generally the best way to go about things, to make things clear as to what's expected and what will happen if you don't meet that, and I want to do that again. I don't know whether you still do, but you really agreed with it at the time as well. I want to continue training you as we discussed in the past, to meet my expectations and understand the consequences when you don't.

Do you understand my expectations of you here?”

Wow what a shock and thrill it was to read that. It seemed as if Mistress had regained her confidence and dominance in spite of her being broken for the last week and me being everything but submissive towards her. I was puzzled and part of me had a hard time accepting this considering how everything had developed over the last week and a bit. From that moment on Mistress acted and felt a lot more dominant. It was kind of strange but even from afar just via text conversation I could feel her dominance and confidence growing and eventually it overwhelmed me and I began to regain the fearful devotion I once had for my Mistress. The D/s tension continued to build daily with her sending me random texts with little orders and tasks multiple times a day. Eventually I was so overwhelmed by it all that I couldn’t help but feel owned and controlled once again and even stronger than ever. I loved how confident she had become and how I could feel myself being enslaved by her subconsciously. I suddenly saw her as my divine Goddess again and my thoughts revolved around her and her pleasure. She was the first thing on my mind when I woke up every morning and the last thing when I went to bed.

Present and future developments

I was in total submissive bliss and things were pretty much back to where they were before everything went pear shaped in the relationship. I thought things would stay that way but I couldn’t have been more wrong it seems like my Goddess had made a breakthrough in her mind of how this relationship should be and will be from now on and she told me so in the following message:

“I'm also more arrogant, and selfish than I used to be. I care about you more than anything, but I won't hesitate to take what I want anymore, and I'll expect you to give it to me to my satisfaction. I've read quite a lot of stuff on the blogs about all these harsher Dommes, Ms Marie, Lady Grey, the ones with maids etc...I can't see really having you serve me that formally (maybe sometimes for fun ;) ) but I am starting to see myself being selfish enough to just take what I want, when I want it, and being able to count how you feel or whether you want it unimportant at times. For example, what I /really/ want right now is you on your knees pleasuring me with your tongue, and if you were here that is exactly what you would be doing, and if you were tired or felt like just relaxing or whatever, I would just take what I want over that, and you'd be expected to perform well and enthusiastically for as long as I required it. I /love/ the idea of having a slave to serve me like that when the mood takes me, and being able to order you around for my amusement of pleasure (you might have noticed that :P ) ...but going back to the original point, I don't think that makes me like her...actually I have no idea how this was related to the original point, but I guess I got onto the topic of telling you how I feel my nature is now ;)”

Reading that was a shock to me I felt overwhelmed and scared at the same time. My entire body resonated with the sentiment and it just felt right. This kind of attitude in her had shined through about 3 or 4 times before in our relationship for brief period of times and usually there was alcohol involved. This however came from her in a sober mood and just washed me away and sent shivers down my spine. I think I must have reread it about 3 times before I started to comprehend what she had just said. I knew this is the kind of Mistress I had always desired but was always afraid to admit to myself and here it was my sweet innocent girlfriend had transformed into a dominant hot sexy sensual confident woman over the course of the last year. I almost couldn’t believe it. From then on things accelerated at a never before seen pace. My devotion and love for her grew with every day, every text every message she sent me. I soon found myself fantasising about her multiple times during the day. I really wanted her and desired her like never before and I told her frequently. I think I expressed my love and devotion for her best in my response to her question “Tell me, slaveboy, what would you do for me if you were here? How would you serve me?” I responded by saying

“It would be pure bliss to be allowed to kneel at your feet. To massage and pamper them to kiss and worship to lick and suck. To worship your entire body anticipating and reading your desires from your subtle movements and expression. Making sure my Goddess has everything before she even knows she wants it.”

And I meant it and still do. I have grown addicted to my Goddess like never before and long to be allowed back in her presence. Unfortunately I must wait three days until this happens again and the time seems like eternity.

Her confidence grew even more once she decided to update her collarme profile picture with some pictures we had taken in a play session earlier this year.

As soon as she had uploaded these pictures the huge amount of “fan mail” she received increased even further. People would write to tell her things like “Beautiful pics”. I had always encouraged her to update her CM profile as I knew this would increase her confidence once others start complementing her on her hotness. It turned out that I was right with that then soon after she started emailing me pictures of herself to tease me telling me to edge to them and to thank her for the privilege. Slightly later this got confirmed when she told me that “This is Me, I am a Domme, and you're privileged to be allowed to call me /your/ Domme, but if you don't want to, that doesn't change the fact I am a Domme, and it's a privilege for any slaveboy to be allowed to worship me”.

This was the moment when I realised that she had finally gained all the power in this relationship. One of the main things that caused the problems in the first place was that I felt like I had all the “vanilla power” in our relationship that if we broke up it would be worse for her than for me and that I could find someone better than her. Now however I knew nothing could be further from the truth and that I am so lucky that I may call her my Domme and that she could easily have any slave she wanted in her service, yet I was lucky enough to be chosen by her as her first and hopefully last slave.

Furthermore as my Goddess began to gradually step up her expectations of me and my service to her I started to fail her more and more often and she always corrected me for it. The interesting thing about this is that for the first time not only did I not feel resentful when I was being corrected but did I truly and genuinely appreciate her efforts. I had learned that when my Mistress corrects me she does it because she loves me and she wants to help me become the best person and slave I can for her. She cares so much about me that she puts a considerable amount of efforts into my training and development, it “only” took me about a year to realise this.

I feel how her dominance is growing every day and it is the most stimulating experience for a little slaveboy like me. She has become a lot more extreme and demanding of me and I love her for it more than words can say. She recently started employing degradation and humiliation into our relationship for no other purpose than her amusement. She can have everything from me and I will obey her without question and we both know it. I have never felt so close and devoted to her through all our relationship and I feel thoroughly enslaved by her mind, body and soul.
Last night was very special for me as my Goddess granted me the privilege of seeing and hearing her on webcam. It was pure bliss I had never seen her eyes glow that radiant and her voice to be so sensual and sexual and I think I still haven’t quite come to terms with the fact that this is the Dominant woman I have the privilege and pleasure of serving from now on.

To conclude this post I just wanted to say how much I appreciate and adore my Mistress. Not only is she the fetish model girlfriend of my dreams but also the kindest most compassionate lovely person I know. She isn’t just my Domme she is my girlfriend and friend as well.

I love you Mistress Kathryn, please forgive me for not seeing this sooner. Thank you so much for giving this boy a home I hope I will always be worthy of it and when I am not I am sorry and I am grateful for the correction and training you give me. I mean it now more than ever when I say I want to become your perfect slave and fulfil you in every way I possibly can. You truly are a Goddess and I know I am extremely lucky to be in your service. I am yours bound by my desire and love for you and I promise I will strive to make you proud to be my owner.

Finally I am sure a lot of you who read this far will have thought that I am not deserving of such a magnificent person and I should never have treated her the way I did and I agree I often ask myself why of all the boys in the world she has decided to own and control me. I am thankful and grateful for it every day and even if I don’t understand it it doesn’t matter. It is her wish and decision to take me as hers and that is what I will be until she decided she doesn’t want me any longer and I pray that day never comes.

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Controlling the Dance

I had an interesting discussion with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago.  I can’t remember exactly how it came about, but it led to a metaphor that seemed to describe the way I feel about things – our relationship in particular – very well.  We have many roles and are many things to each other; boyfriend/girlfriend, Domme/sub, friends (which encompasses a lot of general silliness and messing around with each other ;) ), and more recently we’ve started having more of a Goddess/slave relationship as well.  I was frustrated by the way this would change and we’d fluctuate between them, and end up in different moods wanting different things.  I’ve said quite a lot that I’d just like some consistency – to be able to be one way and not have it change so much, but I don’t think that’s true actually, because I need all of these roles and I wouldn’t want it to be inflexible.  But I do find it very difficult when I want something specific, when I’m feeling a certain way, and he just isn’t into it.

And I don’t mean disliking it, I mean just indifferent to it – forcing him to do something is hot, since we both know is because I want it and I can, and that in itself turns him on, but that’s different from him just not having any particular reaction, or me feeling like he’s just waiting for it to be over, or distracted in some way. 

And I was kind of frustrated by it because I felt that it led to us just doing what he wants, since if he wasn't into something I was into then it wasn't really any good for me either, so it ended up me just doing what he felt like doing.  And it's not like I have any particular objection to making him happy (despite how a lot of people say this relationship should go xD ) but I did feel it was a bit backwards, that he ended up getting more of what he wanted, than I did. 

There is, of course, the whole argument that hey if I want something I can just order it, and that's true, but the point is unless he is into it, I don't get much out of it and there isn't that much point.  I'm not interested in ordering him to do something that makes him inwardly shrug and do so without much effect on him, because I feed on his reactions, on his emotions.  That's what makes this hot for me.  If he doesn't have any then I don't see the point, and I don't do it.  So despite being a Domme and able to order pretty much any action I want, I can't order him to have certain feelings or reactions, or to be in the same mood as me, so getting what I want is actually a lot harder than you'd think! 

Quite a lot of times, I've found myself trying to 'get' him into a certain mood, so that I can then get what I want.  But this has mixed success, and half the time I just end up feeling frustrated and rejected about it, which of course doesn't make him feel particularly submissive or likely to react how I want.  But I am now clearer about what I want, which I wasn't so much before.  I was of the impression 'if I can make him do whatever I want, how come I don't feel like I'm getting what I want half the time?' whereas now I realise that that was because I didn't want certain actions, I wanted him to respond in certain ways, and I wanted our moods to align.

I described it to him in the metaphor of a dance, and it worked quite well.  I said I felt that we were both dancing together, but that half the time we were in different moods and therefore out of sync, dancing in different ways and to different music, and that when this happened it ended in confusion and frustration on both our sides.  But when we were aligned, and felt the same thing, it was wonderful and amazing and we were both so completely lost in it.  I went on to say that it wasn't control of specific actions I really wanted (though of course that is hot, and of course I want it), but that, if our relationship was like a dance, I wanted to be the one in control of that dance, playing with his moods and emotions to match mine perfectly, leading the dance and having him follow, unable to help himself or resist.  That is a lot hotter for me.

That sounds kind of extreme to me, and I wondered whether he’d think it was too much when I mentioned it; I mean, I was saying I wanted to be in control of not only what he does, but what he thinks and feels too.  But he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.  And I know that I want to be in control of these things for him, too, not just for my own desires but to make us both so much happier.  I want him to be in a mood where he’s receptive; I want him to enjoy – on some level at least – all the things we do and all the things I demand of him.  When I told him this he said that it was really lovely of me, that I cared about him and his feelings that much.  And yes, I do feel that way and care about his feelings, but it’s not just me being lovely; part of it is selfish too – after all, if he’s really into it, it’s such a massive feedback loop and we just both feel amazing.

Of course, I have no real idea how to go about doing this, but knowing what I’m aiming for helps.  Some of it is automatic;  if I feel really dominant he’ll often pick up on it and his mood will change accordingly, but most of it, I can’t really control.  Still, I’m glad to have come to this conclusion and to know more about what I want.  And it makes it easier in a way, for me to just go ahead and do what I like, and if I do it with confidence – and not uncertainty about how he’s feeling and what he wants – then often he just falls in line anyway.

Friday, 14 January 2011

Fixing things that go wrong

A week or so ago, I was feeling really dominant, in a way that doesn’t come out that often, and I completely melted my boy.  I was sensual, and sadistic, and hot, and I could /feel/ it, and see it in his eyes.  There’s something about feeding off that look of submission, knowing he’s completely *gone* and Mine to use and play with any way I pleased.

I can’t remember too much of what we did, exactly (I should have written this post earlier, but there’s been a lot of stuff going on, and a lot of other feelings have left my memory of this night a bit sketchy, but I wanted to record it anyway).  But we had an amazing time, and I was leading it the whole way through, completely in control and knowing he was at my mercy, knowing he was lost in headspace and unable to resist anything I might demand of him.  It was absolutely delicious, and feeling that way is one of the best things I’ve ever felt, and I think he would agree.  I honestly don’t think of him and see him as my slave that much, though I would like to, but it was all there that night.

We played, in various ways I think, and ended up cuddling on the bed and watching something, still in that mindset, with him focused on me and my pleasure as we watched the programme.  When we eventually went to bed, I told him that he was to sleep at my feet that night, and he could kiss and hold them as he fell asleep.  We’ve done this a couple of times before, and it’s made both of us feel pretty amazing and close to each other, and him in particular feel submissive and beautiful the next morning.  It’s sort of a ‘knowing his place’ thing, which both of us love. 

However, it took me longer than usual to get to sleep and an hour or so later, I saw him move from where he was lying at the end of my bed, up to lying next to me.  I was pretty shocked, and upset that he’d do that, before I sort of realised (or at least, half-believed, since I wasn’t entirely certain) that he’d been asleep and it had been a subconscious thing.  I realised that pretty much as I was in the process of rolling over and asking him what he was doing.  He woke up quite confused and it probably didn’t help that he woke up to my confusion and questions.  When he said he didn’t know what had happened, I looked at him for a minute trying to figure out (in my tired, sleepy mind) how to react.  Both how I wanted to react and how I should.  Eventually I said that he could sleep at the foot of the bed on the floor, then, with a blanket.  He didn’t move for a minute, then started moving to where I’d said he could sleep.  His movements seemed kind of jerky, and I was pretty sure he was angry at me, which led to a mixed reaction of anger/irritation/concern, and a sinking feeling about the whole thing.

I lay back and thought about the whole thing for a while (about 15 minutes), just going through what I felt and trying to clarify my reaction, and work out why I was feeling so uneasy about the whole thing.  I didn’t feel I was wrong to make him sleep on the floor (which is something we’ve done once before) since I’m completely within my rights to do so, but I felt it had sort of come from the wrong place.  I didn’t tell him to do it as punishment for moving or anything like that, but I thought it could probably be interpreted like that.  My mind was a bit sleep fogged and my thoughts sort of went “well, I wanted him to sleep at my feet and he couldn’t stay there, so if he sleeps at my feet on the floor, he wouldn’t have to worry about moving away from that in his sleep”.  But it occurred to me afterwards that although this was physically the most similar option, it wasn’t emotionally – it didn’t enhance the mood and atmosphere I wanted, which was mostly loveliness and belonging sweetly at my feet.  Having him sleep on the floor was a lot more of a harsh ‘you are my slave’ type action, when all I wanted to convey was love and tenderness and have him where he belonged; gently at my feet.  Of course after working this out, I didn’t quite know what to do.  I felt very mixed about whether I should just leave it and go to sleep now I had actually made the decision, and changing it would be kind of awkward.  And I wasn’t quite sure I could face it if he were angry with me, and if I went to tell him I wanted him to sleep next to me, and he responded with anger.  The mood had been so beautiful the whole evening, and everything had felt so perfect, that I didn’t want to break it with him viewing me as inconsistent or not certain as to what I want, or just with seeing him angry and feeling bad enough about the whole thing that I would just collapse instead of being able to deal with it.

Eventually I just went for it and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at him below me.  I nudged him with my feet a little, and told him to kneel for me.  He opened his eyes, somewhat blearily, and I could see the flash of anger or annoyance there, but he knelt, and when he looked up at me he was beautifully submissive again, and it melted my heart.  I stroked his cheek and asked him if he wished to spend the night next to me, in my arms.  He did, of course, and I told him to come up into my arms.  I held him for a while, just stroking him and feeling the bad feelings go away, for both of us.  I asked him how he’d felt about the whole thing, and he said he had been angry, but he’d let go of it and just submitted, which was beautiful.  I clarified I hadn’t been punishing or correcting him when I’d sent him down there (which was where his anger came from; at the unfairness, since he felt he couldn’t control his movement).  I apologised for being inconsistent and messing things up a bit, and he said I didn’t need to apologise for anything, but he appreciated that I did.  He said some really beautiful things to me, that I wanted to remember and record but it’s been too long, and it was just generally all lovely and amazing, and exactly the sort of mood I’d intended to end the night in.  I don’t feel like I manage to do that much – handle a situation that just goes wrong, without losing the mood both my sub and I are in, so this was really special to me, on top of all the warm fuzzy feelings I was feeling anyway from the night in general.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Anonymity, Honesty and Blogging

My boyfriend reads this blog.  I love that he does, it means we can talk about things I might write, it means he knows that inner part of me that comes out when I write, that I can't just reach for in a conversation, he can follow my inner revelations, and read my memories and my view of events and things we share.  (At least this is the idea anyway, and part of my motivation for writing at all, though so far not much has come of it).

But I also partly wish that he didn't.  It means I worry about what I post, I think about what I might say and I wonder if my posts are fair to him, and I wouldn't do that if this was only being read by strangers on the internet, if this was totally anonymous.  And it seems strange to me, and somewhat wrong, that I may be able to be more honest about myself and my relationship with anonymous strangers on the internet, than I can with my partner.  And at the same time it makes perfect sense; of course I can be more honest with complete strangers; they have no investment in my opinions and feelings, it doesn't affect them in the slightest, and if I offend them I don't really care.

I want to be open and honest about my relationship here, and I want to be open and honest about my relationship with my boyfriend too, but some of it is hard, and I feel like some of the things I may want to write here would come across completely wrong.  Like, I thought of a really interesting post a couple of weeks ago, about submissives initiating things, that basically came from the thought "I'd really like him to ask me to cane him, and he never has", which I happened to fantasise about several times in a row.  It seems, however, a bit unfair to write a post about whether submissives initiate things and why they may/may not, based on my one example of him never asking me to cane him, I mean it's not like he hasn't initiated other things.  Both because it could be read as me extrapolating something ridiculous from something small (You never initiate anything because you don't do this one particular thing) and because it seems a bit unfair to make such a big issue out of him not doing something I've never mentioned I would like (which I haven't, mainly because it was just a surface thought/desire that appeared and then disappeared before I mentioned it to him). 

And that's the thing.  A lot of stuff that might inspire me to write a post can be really small, little things, and sometimes little problems that I've just never mentioned to him because they're mostly transitory.  And writing about them in a post would make them kind of solid, big things, when really it's more the ideas and feelings behind them that I start getting interested in delving into, and the actual things that spark the inspiration are not that important to me, or I probably would have already mentioned them to him.  I guess it just feels strange that I might reveal something to the internet, through a post that requires time and effort, that I haven't already told him, but a lot of this stuff just doesn't really come up, I just don't think about it.

The other thing is that, of course, I'm talking about him in a lot of this.  And I may say he feels a certain thing, or thinks a certain way.  And I may be completely wrong in this, and actually he thinks another thing, and since most of the time I would probably be simplifying and generalising his feelings, most of the time I would not capture what he feels that accurately, unless I were to write a whole post about it to explore it properly, which isn't really the way I picture mentioning the way he feels.  I don't actually think he'd have much of a problem if I did say something that was wrong (though I can imagine the whole "How can you think I think that when I do/say XYZ all the time?!" but probably more because I can imagine me reacting that way and getting hurt, in similar circumstances).  But it sort of gets me, the idea that I might be misrepresenting him to the whole of the internet.  Which is a silly feeling, really, but one that kind of makes me hesitate, nonetheless.

To be honest, writing this, a lot of it seems rather silly, which is good.  It seemed like kind of a big thing, in my head, but I think that was probably because I was worried I couldn't be honest about some things with my boyfriend, and that seemed like a very bad way to be, since I do try to be honest about everything with him.  But I don't think it's that.  I think I viewed it as 'I feel I can be more honest with strangers than with my partner?!' and that seemed wrong.  But actually, this is more just my own head, thoughts and feelings within myself, and it makes sense that part of me worries about them being open and exposed.  Writing leaves me feeling open, and vulnerable sometimes, since it allows a window into my inner self, into who I am.  Even when someone reads my fiction I feel that, let alone if someone were to read my personal thoughts.  And I want to expose all these random thoughts and feelings and share them with him, but I think I just don't want it to end up hurting him, or us, because since I'm not talking /to/ him, but about and around him if you will, there could easily be miscommunication.  But I don't think that would be that hard to handle anymore, and I think in many ways it would be good; it may well clear up misunderstandings between us, if he can see what I think about things. I like how writing things down clears things up some of the time.  And I look forward to sharing random parts of myself with anyone on the internet who might be interested, and with my partner.

Lack of Posts

I haven't posted anything for about a month now.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm finding it a bit difficult to work out what I want to write, and how I want to write it.  I started this blog because I read a lot of blogs, and they inspired something in me that made me want to write, that made me want to have and express what they did.  I wanted the violent passion of Ferns' blog (Domme Chronicles), the beauty and sentiments in Selena and Dymion's blog (Mount-Latmus), and the radical honesty and ability to hash through and analyse problems in Dev's blog (Devastating Yet Inconsequential).  And I think in part, wanting all these different things, and wanting different writing styles has conflicted in me a bit, and I am not yet sure what /my/ writing style is like.  It is probably at times all of these things, and at times none, but I think my voice is finding it hard to get out in some way.  I am not sure.  But I feel a bit bad about starting this blog and then semi-abandoning it, and that is not my intention, and not what I think will happen.  Also, it is a bit difficult at times to know what, or how much, to say about things, for reasons I will mention in my next blog post.  And yes, there will be a next blog post, very soon most probably.  I have many thoughts buzzing around in my head right now, in a way that means I have to get them down, which is why I am writing this at 5am. 

So I guess this is just a message to say I am around, and contemplating writing many things, but somehow it just hasn't really happened yet.  But since I now have about 3 blog posts running round in my head, I imagine in the next day or two there will be many more.  I just wanted to acknowledge the rather large gap between posts, though, and attempt to explain it.