Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Being Strong

Everything has been amazing between my boyfriend and I the last week. We haven’t been together, and we’re in exam period now, so traditionally this would be a time of feeling down and being stressed and not very happy. But for some reason, everything’s wonderful. I’ve felt freer and freer in my dominant role, and happy knowing I can just get what I want. This attitude has rather obviously been reflected in a lot of ways, which he of course picked up on, and went further and further into submission. I think this is the most strongly we’ve both felt our respective roles, and we both love that so much. Especially at the moment, because it has essentially made revising a lot easier, as we’ve felt more relaxed.

But today, just in the afternoon, I ended up feeling really nervous/worried/upset, and just generally weak. It was a combination of things; I’d gone out on an errand in town and the traffic had been a nightmare, there was nowhere to park and it was just really stressful, and I’d also been thinking about exams and revision and started getting really worried about them. Normal vanilla things that most of the time would be fine, but for some reason today really affected me. It’s kind of common to just feel like breaking down at some point during the exam period – at least it is for me ;) So I got back, feeling really kind of upset and like I was on the edge of breaking down, and waited for him to get back from his exam.

And when he got back, I found myself really not knowing what to do. I’d been completely his dominant Goddess for the past week, strong and confident and able to do anything, and it had been amazing for both of us. And I knew I would be, I knew that was who I was and who I would return to. But I also knew at that moment I wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms, or just tell him I was feeling really bad for some reason and ask him to comfort me. And I was hugely conflicted; on one side I knew I could do that, that he’d do that for me in a second and would think nothing of it, but on the other side I sort of knew me. I knew that if I indulged like that I would fall into feeling that, into just wanting him there, into clutching onto him and feeling weak and vulnerable. I knew that would affect both of us and it would be hard for me to get out of it, because as much as it's lovely to know you have someone there who will love and hold you, it’s kind of tempting to stay in that and let them make you feel better and be surrounded by their warmth, instead of getting out of the hole yourself, which just makes you feel desperate for them all the time. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone, but it’s kind of how I think I feel, I’ve never tried to put it into words before. But writing this is rather therapeutic, as I feel a lot better now (I felt better anyway, but this is kind of clearing it all from my system).

So I decided not to tell him, not to ask him to comfort me; I mean I told him the trip into town annoyed me (which it didn’t actually, so much as upset me) and that I was getting fed up of revision, but that’s kind of nothing new and nothing that would have made him think I wasn’t the dominant Goddess he was talking to in the morning. I decided to pretend and act like I was strong until I became strong again. And as the conversation went on, I started feeling better. His obvious submission to me, and the way he smiled when I talked to him with the same attitude I’d had for the last week, made me happy, reinforced my place for me as well and things got better. It helps when I feel responsible, or like I have to be strong for someone else and do the right thing as well, which was kind of the case as he needed to get on with revision and I felt I needed to suggest that he do so (despite how I was enjoying the conversation). So I told him to, enjoyed his reluctance to leave me and it made me feel good that I was being responsible, and I felt more like I was strong again. And I’m pretty sure if I’d have broken down I would have been there for a lot longer, even with his care and comfort.

So I’m still not sure about all this. In a relationship like this, I feel it’s important to be strong. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m the one that needs to be responsible – because whereas my pet is very responsible, he also doesn’t quite have the authority to make the decisions that need to be made :P – and I’m the one that needs to be stronger, in order to command the respect that I deserve. That doesn’t mean that he can’t or doesn’t respect me when I’m feeling weak, but it puts him in more sweet-loving-care mode than slightly fearful, in-awe slave mode ;) And I respect me more when I’m strong. I think that’s inevitable, really, that you respect yourself more when you’re strong and less when you’re weak. And how I see myself – probably much more than how he sees me anyway – has the most effect on how this dynamic is between us.

So I felt I did the right thing – and it worked out well. But it leaves me slightly confused as to how to handle things going forward. Although this worked wonderfully, I definitely feel that I’m completely entitled to seek comfort and support from my partner when I need it, and I’m not sure how that works with these feelings. I’m going to feel weak at times, and sometimes I really will need his support, it’s inevitable. But this has also shown me that sometimes I might wobble, feel like I need to collapse in his arms, when all I really need is to act like I’m completely in control – which puts me back in control. So I guess the big thing is to decide when is the right time to seek comfort and to be held, and when I can just lift myself out of everything. I think there are probably a lot of times where in the past I’ve broken down and gone looking for support, that it would have been much better to just use this solution. Of course, it helped already having him deep in subbie mode and having him look at me as if I was completely strong and in control, but the way things are now, I think that will just be the natural state more and more.

So, with that cathartic release, I can actually get on with my revision now :P I imagine he will of course see this tonight, hence going against the not telling him and just being strong plan, but I feel fine and back to normal now so it doesn't matter. Though I’d be curious to hear what anyone else feels about all this. I don’t support the nonsense view that the Domme has to be strong all the time…but most of the time? I don’t know. What does everyone else think?


  1. Kathryn,

    This is a dilemma given the authoritive role you have in this relationship. Your the one who is in-charge and that's a huge responsibility. Your impulse to curl-up and be held and comforted by him would in my opinion be harmful to the dynamics of your relationship. I think you may have to rethink how you need to be comforted. When I'm stressed and I'm with a submissive friend...I want to be close to her...to feel her warmth and body....I find a relaxing chair and have her sit on my lap and I rock her like a baby. This always seems to make me feel better especially when I know my little sub needs me to be loving, caring, in control.

    Try getting into the habit of having him sitting on your lap amd making him feel comforted and protected....who'd be surprised how this fuels your loving dominance.


  2. It is difficult to reconcile what you *know* (it's ok) vs what you *feel* (it's a weakness), but please don't fall into the trap of pretending to be something or someone you aren't because it's not sustainable, and it's better that he learns to support you with the small things vs waiting until some really bad stuff happens and then suddenly it falling apart because you have never trusted him to give you the support you need.

    If you have a part time D/s relationship powering through can work fine, but it will not work longer term if this is your primary relationship because you will eventually need more.

    I do understand your concern about appearing 'weak'. I think of his giving me what I need in those times (comfort, pets, a shoulder, support etc) as a service; it's part of his job to give me what I need, whether it's hugs and petting or making me a sandwich.

    I enjoyed reading your thoughts, by the way, it's a great post.