Being Strong

Everything has been amazing between my boyfriend and I the last week. We haven’t been together, and we’re in exam period now, so traditionally this would be a time of feeling down and being stressed and not very happy. But for some reason, everything’s wonderful. I’ve felt freer and freer in my dominant role, and happy knowing I can just get what I want. This attitude has rather obviously been reflected in a lot of ways, which he of course picked up on, and went further and further into submission. I think this is the most strongly we’ve both felt our respective roles, and we both love that so much. Especially at the moment, because it has essentially made revising a lot easier, as we’ve felt more relaxed.

But today, just in the afternoon, I ended up feeling really nervous/worried/upset, and just generally weak. It was a combination of things; I’d gone out on an errand in town and the traffic had been a nightmare, there was nowhere to park and it was just really stressful, and I’d also been thinking about exams and revision and started getting really worried about them. Normal vanilla things that most of the time would be fine, but for some reason today really affected me. It’s kind of common to just feel like breaking down at some point during the exam period – at least it is for me ;) So I got back, feeling really kind of upset and like I was on the edge of breaking down, and waited for him to get back from his exam.

And when he got back, I found myself really not knowing what to do. I’d been completely his dominant Goddess for the past week, strong and confident and able to do anything, and it had been amazing for both of us. And I knew I would be, I knew that was who I was and who I would return to. But I also knew at that moment I wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms, or just tell him I was feeling really bad for some reason and ask him to comfort me. And I was hugely conflicted; on one side I knew I could do that, that he’d do that for me in a second and would think nothing of it, but on the other side I sort of knew me. I knew that if I indulged like that I would fall into feeling that, into just wanting him there, into clutching onto him and feeling weak and vulnerable. I knew that would affect both of us and it would be hard for me to get out of it, because as much as it's lovely to know you have someone there who will love and hold you, it’s kind of tempting to stay in that and let them make you feel better and be surrounded by their warmth, instead of getting out of the hole yourself, which just makes you feel desperate for them all the time. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone, but it’s kind of how I think I feel, I’ve never tried to put it into words before. But writing this is rather therapeutic, as I feel a lot better now (I felt better anyway, but this is kind of clearing it all from my system).

So I decided not to tell him, not to ask him to comfort me; I mean I told him the trip into town annoyed me (which it didn’t actually, so much as upset me) and that I was getting fed up of revision, but that’s kind of nothing new and nothing that would have made him think I wasn’t the dominant Goddess he was talking to in the morning. I decided to pretend and act like I was strong until I became strong again. And as the conversation went on, I started feeling better. His obvious submission to me, and the way he smiled when I talked to him with the same attitude I’d had for the last week, made me happy, reinforced my place for me as well and things got better. It helps when I feel responsible, or like I have to be strong for someone else and do the right thing as well, which was kind of the case as he needed to get on with revision and I felt I needed to suggest that he do so (despite how I was enjoying the conversation). So I told him to, enjoyed his reluctance to leave me and it made me feel good that I was being responsible, and I felt more like I was strong again. And I’m pretty sure if I’d have broken down I would have been there for a lot longer, even with his care and comfort.

So I’m still not sure about all this. In a relationship like this, I feel it’s important to be strong. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m the one that needs to be responsible – because whereas my pet is very responsible, he also doesn’t quite have the authority to make the decisions that need to be made :P – and I’m the one that needs to be stronger, in order to command the respect that I deserve. That doesn’t mean that he can’t or doesn’t respect me when I’m feeling weak, but it puts him in more sweet-loving-care mode than slightly fearful, in-awe slave mode ;) And I respect me more when I’m strong. I think that’s inevitable, really, that you respect yourself more when you’re strong and less when you’re weak. And how I see myself – probably much more than how he sees me anyway – has the most effect on how this dynamic is between us.

So I felt I did the right thing – and it worked out well. But it leaves me slightly confused as to how to handle things going forward. Although this worked wonderfully, I definitely feel that I’m completely entitled to seek comfort and support from my partner when I need it, and I’m not sure how that works with these feelings. I’m going to feel weak at times, and sometimes I really will need his support, it’s inevitable. But this has also shown me that sometimes I might wobble, feel like I need to collapse in his arms, when all I really need is to act like I’m completely in control – which puts me back in control. So I guess the big thing is to decide when is the right time to seek comfort and to be held, and when I can just lift myself out of everything. I think there are probably a lot of times where in the past I’ve broken down and gone looking for support, that it would have been much better to just use this solution. Of course, it helped already having him deep in subbie mode and having him look at me as if I was completely strong and in control, but the way things are now, I think that will just be the natural state more and more.

So, with that cathartic release, I can actually get on with my revision now :P I imagine he will of course see this tonight, hence going against the not telling him and just being strong plan, but I feel fine and back to normal now so it doesn't matter. Though I’d be curious to hear what anyone else feels about all this. I don’t support the nonsense view that the Domme has to be strong all the time…but most of the time? I don’t know. What does everyone else think?

Easter Shopping

A few weeks ago I went out shopping with my boyfriend. This was rather a change for me. I’ve never really been interested in shopping, and when we first started seeing each other the role reversal amused me quite a lot, since he was faar more interested in going out shopping with me than I was – any other girl would have loved it completely, I’m sure! It’s interesting thinking and talking about how I’ve changed over the years I’ve been with him. Apart from the obvious development of my dominant self and how that has grown, I’ve become a lot more ‘girly’; interested in clothes and fashions and generally looking good.

We went on quite a few shopping trips over the time we’ve been together, mostly because I ‘needed’ something in particular or because he suggested it and wanted to. I didn’t object to that at all, but it certainly wasn’t an activity I would really pursue. I was much more into when we went on ‘interesting’ shopping trips for D/s related things and toys.

I’ve changed, though. Over time, as my dominant side came out and I felt more and more sexy and like the Goddess I am, I wanted to express that more, wanted to dress up a bit, liked the idea of teasing boys, and I got more into vanilla shopping. So that particular trip was all of my initiative; I decided I wanted to do it, where we’d go, what sort of thing I wanted to buy and I really enjoyed it. We had a wonderful time, and he was a good obedient boy, carrying things for me and generally treating me when I wanted it.

I just find it interesting how the dominant side of me, and it coming out, has enhanced the vanilla side too, and the affect that has had. I’m very different from how I was at the beginning of this relationship and I really do love the ways various parts of me have evolved, developed and matured, so sometimes I may just speculate on how things are different than they were in the beginning.

We also ordered some more interesting things (online) to play with that week, and I got a couple of beautiful new latex dresses that I haven’t had near enough time to completely enjoy, but the brief scene we got to enjoy that week was wonderful.

Controlling the Dance

I had an interesting discussion with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago.  I can’t remember exactly how it came about, but it led to a metaphor that seemed to describe the way I feel about things – our relationship in particular – very well.  We have many roles and are many things to each other; boyfriend/girlfriend, Domme/sub, friends (which encompasses a lot of general silliness and messing around with each other ;) ), and more recently we’ve started having more of a Goddess/slave relationship as well.  I was frustrated by the way this would change and we’d fluctuate between them, and end up in different moods wanting different things.  I’ve said quite a lot that I’d just like some consistency – to be able to be one way and not have it change so much, but I don’t think that’s true actually, because I need all of these roles and I wouldn’t want it to be inflexible.  But I do find it very difficult when I want something specific, when I’m feeling a certain way, and he just isn’t into it.

And I don’t mean disliking it, I mean just indifferent to it – forcing him to do something is hot, since we both know is because I want it and I can, and that in itself turns him on, but that’s different from him just not having any particular reaction, or me feeling like he’s just waiting for it to be over, or distracted in some way. 

And I was kind of frustrated by it because I felt that it led to us just doing what he wants, since if he wasn't into something I was into then it wasn't really any good for me either, so it ended up me just doing what he felt like doing.  And it's not like I have any particular objection to making him happy (despite how a lot of people say this relationship should go xD ) but I did feel it was a bit backwards, that he ended up getting more of what he wanted, than I did. 

There is, of course, the whole argument that hey if I want something I can just order it, and that's true, but the point is unless he is into it, I don't get much out of it and there isn't that much point.  I'm not interested in ordering him to do something that makes him inwardly shrug and do so without much effect on him, because I feed on his reactions, on his emotions.  That's what makes this hot for me.  If he doesn't have any then I don't see the point, and I don't do it.  So despite being a Domme and able to order pretty much any action I want, I can't order him to have certain feelings or reactions, or to be in the same mood as me, so getting what I want is actually a lot harder than you'd think! 

Quite a lot of times, I've found myself trying to 'get' him into a certain mood, so that I can then get what I want.  But this has mixed success, and half the time I just end up feeling frustrated and rejected about it, which of course doesn't make him feel particularly submissive or likely to react how I want.  But I am now clearer about what I want, which I wasn't so much before.  I was of the impression 'if I can make him do whatever I want, how come I don't feel like I'm getting what I want half the time?' whereas now I realise that that was because I didn't want certain actions, I wanted him to respond in certain ways, and I wanted our moods to align.

I described it to him in the metaphor of a dance, and it worked quite well.  I said I felt that we were both dancing together, but that half the time we were in different moods and therefore out of sync, dancing in different ways and to different music, and that when this happened it ended in confusion and frustration on both our sides.  But when we were aligned, and felt the same thing, it was wonderful and amazing and we were both so completely lost in it.  I went on to say that it wasn't control of specific actions I really wanted (though of course that is hot, and of course I want it), but that, if our relationship was like a dance, I wanted to be the one in control of that dance, playing with his moods and emotions to match mine perfectly, leading the dance and having him follow, unable to help himself or resist.  That is a lot hotter for me.

That sounds kind of extreme to me, and I wondered whether he’d think it was too much when I mentioned it; I mean, I was saying I wanted to be in control of not only what he does, but what he thinks and feels too.  But he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.  And I know that I want to be in control of these things for him, too, not just for my own desires but to make us both so much happier.  I want him to be in a mood where he’s receptive; I want him to enjoy – on some level at least – all the things we do and all the things I demand of him.  When I told him this he said that it was really lovely of me, that I cared about him and his feelings that much.  And yes, I do feel that way and care about his feelings, but it’s not just me being lovely; part of it is selfish too – after all, if he’s really into it, it’s such a massive feedback loop and we just both feel amazing.

Of course, I have no real idea how to go about doing this, but knowing what I’m aiming for helps.  Some of it is automatic;  if I feel really dominant he’ll often pick up on it and his mood will change accordingly, but most of it, I can’t really control.  Still, I’m glad to have come to this conclusion and to know more about what I want.  And it makes it easier in a way, for me to just go ahead and do what I like, and if I do it with confidence – and not uncertainty about how he’s feeling and what he wants – then often he just falls in line anyway.

In the Beginning...

...There was darkness...then there were Dragons...

So, here I am.  After lurking around on the internet for years, when I maybe shouldn't have been here, then being too nervous to do anything else for what seemed like ages, I'm finally here. Out in the open (well as open as you get on an anonymous blog).

In a short period of time I've somehow managed to find a beautiful submissive boy to discover all this with, and with everything between us taking off and moving so fast I've done more than I'd ever imagined within the space of a year or so.  So with actual experience and things to say about this all, I've decided to stop lurking and share some parts of my life with the world.

I intend this blog to be an outlet in many ways; for my passions and fantasies, for the experiences that make me shudder to remember, for all the questioning and things that I still have so much to learn, for all the moments that I'm nervous, doubt myself and just want to over-analyse, and hopefully for the responses and communication I'll have with others within this lifestyle.

So a bit about me.  I'm currently in University and working on balancing my workload, studying and various extra curricular activities with learning more about this part of myself and spending time with my submissive boyfriend.  I love to control and dominate, it doesn't really matter to me so much what we do, or what I choose to do with him, but that I can, the control I have over him and his reactions to the things I do.  I love that I own him and care for him, that he has given me so much trust and control.  I love discovering all the various sides to him, vanilla and all the lovely parts this brings out.

I've loved reading so many of the blogs out there, and love writing myself, so wanted to share some of myself and my life, as well as just wanting to have a place to express myself and an outlet for various thoughts and feelings.

Welcome to my blog, and I hope you find something in what I write that resonates with you, or causes a reaction in one way or another (hey, disagreements are fun, I enjoy discussion), as I have with so many of the blogs out there.