The End and a New Beginning

Well, a lot has happened in the last few weeks. I was going to write a post about a bit of it, but actually when I had my slaveboy write a summary of how he felt the last few weeks (especially this week) had gone, and how it had affected him, that ended up being pretty much everything that needs to be said :D So I thought I'd share with you all his perspective on how things are at the moment, and you can hear from him for the first time on this blog - he's a sweetie. I must say, I'm loving the recent changes in everything, and I thought what he wrote was beautiful. I feel on top of the world, and that everything is how it should be. He's also managed to convince me that photos would make a great addition to this blog, so now readers have that to look forward to as well ;)

The end and a new beginning

I wrote this as a result of receiving a text from my Mistress ordering me to drop everything I was doing and to write her something about our relationship and the most recent developments.

This is a very lengthy post in which I want to describe how my D/s relationship with my girlfriend went from almost dying to stronger than ever. I want to use the opportunity to express how much I love and worship my Mistress and how she makes me feel like the luckiest boy in the world.

The end?

About two weeks ago out relationship had reached an all-time low. I had lost all the wonder and devotion I had started to feel for my Mistress over the past one and a half years. I had felt it dwindle over the few previous weeks and it greatly upset me. On this faithful day I told my Mistress that I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on like this and how I wasn’t sure I could still be her slave. I still loved her dearly and wanted to be with her but I couldn’t see how I could be her slave without feeling the respect and devotion a slave ought to feel for his Mistress. To make things worse I had disobeyed her direct orders several times over the last few months and I am ashamed to admit I didn’t even feel bad about it at the time neither did it cause me any great difficulty to do so.

Following this discussion things got worse for both of us we were both really upset and devastated although she was projecting it outwards a lot more. To make matters worse this was the weekend before I left to go on holiday with my family and we wouldn’t see each other for 10 days.

A new beginning

Things continued to deteriorate and I felt like the relationship was dying a slow but certain death. Then suddenly almost out of nowhere my Mistress sent me the following message during a pretty low key vanilla Skype conversation:

“Also, today you're required to address me properly when you talk to me; not in everything you say, especially if it's a chain of things, but I expect it every time you greet me, ask me for something, respond to something I've asked, thank me for something etc. For general conversation, I also expect it in general, but not all the time, or as I said every sentence.

You're also required, in general, not just today, to ask me if you want to go anywhere. If I'm not here or don't respond quickly and others are waiting for you, you can go ahead and say that and go as you did yesterday, but you must ask.
If you don't meet my expectations here then I will correct you for it, though because the first is a new and temporary rule I'll give you a couple of warnings before actually correcting you for making a mistake.

Before everything went meh and stuff I had really started making an effort to be consistent and to not let things just go if something happened, because that is generally the best way to go about things, to make things clear as to what's expected and what will happen if you don't meet that, and I want to do that again. I don't know whether you still do, but you really agreed with it at the time as well. I want to continue training you as we discussed in the past, to meet my expectations and understand the consequences when you don't.

Do you understand my expectations of you here?”

Wow what a shock and thrill it was to read that. It seemed as if Mistress had regained her confidence and dominance in spite of her being broken for the last week and me being everything but submissive towards her. I was puzzled and part of me had a hard time accepting this considering how everything had developed over the last week and a bit. From that moment on Mistress acted and felt a lot more dominant. It was kind of strange but even from afar just via text conversation I could feel her dominance and confidence growing and eventually it overwhelmed me and I began to regain the fearful devotion I once had for my Mistress. The D/s tension continued to build daily with her sending me random texts with little orders and tasks multiple times a day. Eventually I was so overwhelmed by it all that I couldn’t help but feel owned and controlled once again and even stronger than ever. I loved how confident she had become and how I could feel myself being enslaved by her subconsciously. I suddenly saw her as my divine Goddess again and my thoughts revolved around her and her pleasure. She was the first thing on my mind when I woke up every morning and the last thing when I went to bed.

Present and future developments

I was in total submissive bliss and things were pretty much back to where they were before everything went pear shaped in the relationship. I thought things would stay that way but I couldn’t have been more wrong it seems like my Goddess had made a breakthrough in her mind of how this relationship should be and will be from now on and she told me so in the following message:

“I'm also more arrogant, and selfish than I used to be. I care about you more than anything, but I won't hesitate to take what I want anymore, and I'll expect you to give it to me to my satisfaction. I've read quite a lot of stuff on the blogs about all these harsher Dommes, Ms Marie, Lady Grey, the ones with maids etc...I can't see really having you serve me that formally (maybe sometimes for fun ;) ) but I am starting to see myself being selfish enough to just take what I want, when I want it, and being able to count how you feel or whether you want it unimportant at times. For example, what I /really/ want right now is you on your knees pleasuring me with your tongue, and if you were here that is exactly what you would be doing, and if you were tired or felt like just relaxing or whatever, I would just take what I want over that, and you'd be expected to perform well and enthusiastically for as long as I required it. I /love/ the idea of having a slave to serve me like that when the mood takes me, and being able to order you around for my amusement of pleasure (you might have noticed that :P ) ...but going back to the original point, I don't think that makes me like her...actually I have no idea how this was related to the original point, but I guess I got onto the topic of telling you how I feel my nature is now ;)”

Reading that was a shock to me I felt overwhelmed and scared at the same time. My entire body resonated with the sentiment and it just felt right. This kind of attitude in her had shined through about 3 or 4 times before in our relationship for brief period of times and usually there was alcohol involved. This however came from her in a sober mood and just washed me away and sent shivers down my spine. I think I must have reread it about 3 times before I started to comprehend what she had just said. I knew this is the kind of Mistress I had always desired but was always afraid to admit to myself and here it was my sweet innocent girlfriend had transformed into a dominant hot sexy sensual confident woman over the course of the last year. I almost couldn’t believe it. From then on things accelerated at a never before seen pace. My devotion and love for her grew with every day, every text every message she sent me. I soon found myself fantasising about her multiple times during the day. I really wanted her and desired her like never before and I told her frequently. I think I expressed my love and devotion for her best in my response to her question “Tell me, slaveboy, what would you do for me if you were here? How would you serve me?” I responded by saying

“It would be pure bliss to be allowed to kneel at your feet. To massage and pamper them to kiss and worship to lick and suck. To worship your entire body anticipating and reading your desires from your subtle movements and expression. Making sure my Goddess has everything before she even knows she wants it.”

And I meant it and still do. I have grown addicted to my Goddess like never before and long to be allowed back in her presence. Unfortunately I must wait three days until this happens again and the time seems like eternity.

Her confidence grew even more once she decided to update her collarme profile picture with some pictures we had taken in a play session earlier this year.

As soon as she had uploaded these pictures the huge amount of “fan mail” she received increased even further. People would write to tell her things like “Beautiful pics”. I had always encouraged her to update her CM profile as I knew this would increase her confidence once others start complementing her on her hotness. It turned out that I was right with that then soon after she started emailing me pictures of herself to tease me telling me to edge to them and to thank her for the privilege. Slightly later this got confirmed when she told me that “This is Me, I am a Domme, and you're privileged to be allowed to call me /your/ Domme, but if you don't want to, that doesn't change the fact I am a Domme, and it's a privilege for any slaveboy to be allowed to worship me”.

This was the moment when I realised that she had finally gained all the power in this relationship. One of the main things that caused the problems in the first place was that I felt like I had all the “vanilla power” in our relationship that if we broke up it would be worse for her than for me and that I could find someone better than her. Now however I knew nothing could be further from the truth and that I am so lucky that I may call her my Domme and that she could easily have any slave she wanted in her service, yet I was lucky enough to be chosen by her as her first and hopefully last slave.

Furthermore as my Goddess began to gradually step up her expectations of me and my service to her I started to fail her more and more often and she always corrected me for it. The interesting thing about this is that for the first time not only did I not feel resentful when I was being corrected but did I truly and genuinely appreciate her efforts. I had learned that when my Mistress corrects me she does it because she loves me and she wants to help me become the best person and slave I can for her. She cares so much about me that she puts a considerable amount of efforts into my training and development, it “only” took me about a year to realise this.

I feel how her dominance is growing every day and it is the most stimulating experience for a little slaveboy like me. She has become a lot more extreme and demanding of me and I love her for it more than words can say. She recently started employing degradation and humiliation into our relationship for no other purpose than her amusement. She can have everything from me and I will obey her without question and we both know it. I have never felt so close and devoted to her through all our relationship and I feel thoroughly enslaved by her mind, body and soul.
Last night was very special for me as my Goddess granted me the privilege of seeing and hearing her on webcam. It was pure bliss I had never seen her eyes glow that radiant and her voice to be so sensual and sexual and I think I still haven’t quite come to terms with the fact that this is the Dominant woman I have the privilege and pleasure of serving from now on.

To conclude this post I just wanted to say how much I appreciate and adore my Mistress. Not only is she the fetish model girlfriend of my dreams but also the kindest most compassionate lovely person I know. She isn’t just my Domme she is my girlfriend and friend as well.

I love you Mistress Kathryn, please forgive me for not seeing this sooner. Thank you so much for giving this boy a home I hope I will always be worthy of it and when I am not I am sorry and I am grateful for the correction and training you give me. I mean it now more than ever when I say I want to become your perfect slave and fulfil you in every way I possibly can. You truly are a Goddess and I know I am extremely lucky to be in your service. I am yours bound by my desire and love for you and I promise I will strive to make you proud to be my owner.

Finally I am sure a lot of you who read this far will have thought that I am not deserving of such a magnificent person and I should never have treated her the way I did and I agree I often ask myself why of all the boys in the world she has decided to own and control me. I am thankful and grateful for it every day and even if I don’t understand it it doesn’t matter. It is her wish and decision to take me as hers and that is what I will be until she decided she doesn’t want me any longer and I pray that day never comes.

Controlling the Dance

I had an interesting discussion with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago.  I can’t remember exactly how it came about, but it led to a metaphor that seemed to describe the way I feel about things – our relationship in particular – very well.  We have many roles and are many things to each other; boyfriend/girlfriend, Domme/sub, friends (which encompasses a lot of general silliness and messing around with each other ;) ), and more recently we’ve started having more of a Goddess/slave relationship as well.  I was frustrated by the way this would change and we’d fluctuate between them, and end up in different moods wanting different things.  I’ve said quite a lot that I’d just like some consistency – to be able to be one way and not have it change so much, but I don’t think that’s true actually, because I need all of these roles and I wouldn’t want it to be inflexible.  But I do find it very difficult when I want something specific, when I’m feeling a certain way, and he just isn’t into it.

And I don’t mean disliking it, I mean just indifferent to it – forcing him to do something is hot, since we both know is because I want it and I can, and that in itself turns him on, but that’s different from him just not having any particular reaction, or me feeling like he’s just waiting for it to be over, or distracted in some way. 

And I was kind of frustrated by it because I felt that it led to us just doing what he wants, since if he wasn't into something I was into then it wasn't really any good for me either, so it ended up me just doing what he felt like doing.  And it's not like I have any particular objection to making him happy (despite how a lot of people say this relationship should go xD ) but I did feel it was a bit backwards, that he ended up getting more of what he wanted, than I did. 

There is, of course, the whole argument that hey if I want something I can just order it, and that's true, but the point is unless he is into it, I don't get much out of it and there isn't that much point.  I'm not interested in ordering him to do something that makes him inwardly shrug and do so without much effect on him, because I feed on his reactions, on his emotions.  That's what makes this hot for me.  If he doesn't have any then I don't see the point, and I don't do it.  So despite being a Domme and able to order pretty much any action I want, I can't order him to have certain feelings or reactions, or to be in the same mood as me, so getting what I want is actually a lot harder than you'd think! 

Quite a lot of times, I've found myself trying to 'get' him into a certain mood, so that I can then get what I want.  But this has mixed success, and half the time I just end up feeling frustrated and rejected about it, which of course doesn't make him feel particularly submissive or likely to react how I want.  But I am now clearer about what I want, which I wasn't so much before.  I was of the impression 'if I can make him do whatever I want, how come I don't feel like I'm getting what I want half the time?' whereas now I realise that that was because I didn't want certain actions, I wanted him to respond in certain ways, and I wanted our moods to align.

I described it to him in the metaphor of a dance, and it worked quite well.  I said I felt that we were both dancing together, but that half the time we were in different moods and therefore out of sync, dancing in different ways and to different music, and that when this happened it ended in confusion and frustration on both our sides.  But when we were aligned, and felt the same thing, it was wonderful and amazing and we were both so completely lost in it.  I went on to say that it wasn't control of specific actions I really wanted (though of course that is hot, and of course I want it), but that, if our relationship was like a dance, I wanted to be the one in control of that dance, playing with his moods and emotions to match mine perfectly, leading the dance and having him follow, unable to help himself or resist.  That is a lot hotter for me.

That sounds kind of extreme to me, and I wondered whether he’d think it was too much when I mentioned it; I mean, I was saying I wanted to be in control of not only what he does, but what he thinks and feels too.  But he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.  And I know that I want to be in control of these things for him, too, not just for my own desires but to make us both so much happier.  I want him to be in a mood where he’s receptive; I want him to enjoy – on some level at least – all the things we do and all the things I demand of him.  When I told him this he said that it was really lovely of me, that I cared about him and his feelings that much.  And yes, I do feel that way and care about his feelings, but it’s not just me being lovely; part of it is selfish too – after all, if he’s really into it, it’s such a massive feedback loop and we just both feel amazing.

Of course, I have no real idea how to go about doing this, but knowing what I’m aiming for helps.  Some of it is automatic;  if I feel really dominant he’ll often pick up on it and his mood will change accordingly, but most of it, I can’t really control.  Still, I’m glad to have come to this conclusion and to know more about what I want.  And it makes it easier in a way, for me to just go ahead and do what I like, and if I do it with confidence – and not uncertainty about how he’s feeling and what he wants – then often he just falls in line anyway.