A week or so ago, I was feeling really dominant, in a way that doesn’t come out that often, and I completely melted my boy. I was sensual, and sadistic, and hot, and I could /feel/ it, and see it in his eyes. There’s something about feeding off that look of submission, knowing he’s completely *gone* and Mine to use and play with any way I pleased.
I can’t remember too much of what we did, exactly (I should have written this post earlier, but there’s been a lot of stuff going on, and a lot of other feelings have left my memory of this night a bit sketchy, but I wanted to record it anyway). But we had an amazing time, and I was leading it the whole way through, completely in control and knowing he was at my mercy, knowing he was lost in headspace and unable to resist anything I might demand of him. It was absolutely delicious, and feeling that way is one of the best things I’ve ever felt, and I think he would agree. I honestly don’t think of him and see him as my slave that much, though I would like to, but it was all there that night.
We played, in various ways I think, and ended up cuddling on the bed and watching something, still in that mindset, with him focused on me and my pleasure as we watched the programme. When we eventually went to bed, I told him that he was to sleep at my feet that night, and he could kiss and hold them as he fell asleep. We’ve done this a couple of times before, and it’s made both of us feel pretty amazing and close to each other, and him in particular feel submissive and beautiful the next morning. It’s sort of a ‘knowing his place’ thing, which both of us love.
However, it took me longer than usual to get to sleep and an hour or so later, I saw him move from where he was lying at the end of my bed, up to lying next to me. I was pretty shocked, and upset that he’d do that, before I sort of realised (or at least, half-believed, since I wasn’t entirely certain) that he’d been asleep and it had been a subconscious thing. I realised that pretty much as I was in the process of rolling over and asking him what he was doing. He woke up quite confused and it probably didn’t help that he woke up to my confusion and questions. When he said he didn’t know what had happened, I looked at him for a minute trying to figure out (in my tired, sleepy mind) how to react. Both how I wanted to react and how I should. Eventually I said that he could sleep at the foot of the bed on the floor, then, with a blanket. He didn’t move for a minute, then started moving to where I’d said he could sleep. His movements seemed kind of jerky, and I was pretty sure he was angry at me, which led to a mixed reaction of anger/irritation/concern, and a sinking feeling about the whole thing.
I lay back and thought about the whole thing for a while (about 15 minutes), just going through what I felt and trying to clarify my reaction, and work out why I was feeling so uneasy about the whole thing. I didn’t feel I was wrong to make him sleep on the floor (which is something we’ve done once before) since I’m completely within my rights to do so, but I felt it had sort of come from the wrong place. I didn’t tell him to do it as punishment for moving or anything like that, but I thought it could probably be interpreted like that. My mind was a bit sleep fogged and my thoughts sort of went “well, I wanted him to sleep at my feet and he couldn’t stay there, so if he sleeps at my feet on the floor, he wouldn’t have to worry about moving away from that in his sleep”. But it occurred to me afterwards that although this was physically the most similar option, it wasn’t emotionally – it didn’t enhance the mood and atmosphere I wanted, which was mostly loveliness and belonging sweetly at my feet. Having him sleep on the floor was a lot more of a harsh ‘you are my slave’ type action, when all I wanted to convey was love and tenderness and have him where he belonged; gently at my feet. Of course after working this out, I didn’t quite know what to do. I felt very mixed about whether I should just leave it and go to sleep now I had actually made the decision, and changing it would be kind of awkward. And I wasn’t quite sure I could face it if he were angry with me, and if I went to tell him I wanted him to sleep next to me, and he responded with anger. The mood had been so beautiful the whole evening, and everything had felt so perfect, that I didn’t want to break it with him viewing me as inconsistent or not certain as to what I want, or just with seeing him angry and feeling bad enough about the whole thing that I would just collapse instead of being able to deal with it.
Eventually I just went for it and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at him below me. I nudged him with my feet a little, and told him to kneel for me. He opened his eyes, somewhat blearily, and I could see the flash of anger or annoyance there, but he knelt, and when he looked up at me he was beautifully submissive again, and it melted my heart. I stroked his cheek and asked him if he wished to spend the night next to me, in my arms. He did, of course, and I told him to come up into my arms. I held him for a while, just stroking him and feeling the bad feelings go away, for both of us. I asked him how he’d felt about the whole thing, and he said he had been angry, but he’d let go of it and just submitted, which was beautiful. I clarified I hadn’t been punishing or correcting him when I’d sent him down there (which was where his anger came from; at the unfairness, since he felt he couldn’t control his movement). I apologised for being inconsistent and messing things up a bit, and he said I didn’t need to apologise for anything, but he appreciated that I did. He said some really beautiful things to me, that I wanted to remember and record but it’s been too long, and it was just generally all lovely and amazing, and exactly the sort of mood I’d intended to end the night in. I don’t feel like I manage to do that much – handle a situation that just goes wrong, without losing the mood both my sub and I are in, so this was really special to me, on top of all the warm fuzzy feelings I was feeling anyway from the night in general.
