Anonymity, Honesty and Blogging

My boyfriend reads this blog.  I love that he does, it means we can talk about things I might write, it means he knows that inner part of me that comes out when I write, that I can't just reach for in a conversation, he can follow my inner revelations, and read my memories and my view of events and things we share.  (At least this is the idea anyway, and part of my motivation for writing at all, though so far not much has come of it).

But I also partly wish that he didn't.  It means I worry about what I post, I think about what I might say and I wonder if my posts are fair to him, and I wouldn't do that if this was only being read by strangers on the internet, if this was totally anonymous.  And it seems strange to me, and somewhat wrong, that I may be able to be more honest about myself and my relationship with anonymous strangers on the internet, than I can with my partner.  And at the same time it makes perfect sense; of course I can be more honest with complete strangers; they have no investment in my opinions and feelings, it doesn't affect them in the slightest, and if I offend them I don't really care.

I want to be open and honest about my relationship here, and I want to be open and honest about my relationship with my boyfriend too, but some of it is hard, and I feel like some of the things I may want to write here would come across completely wrong.  Like, I thought of a really interesting post a couple of weeks ago, about submissives initiating things, that basically came from the thought "I'd really like him to ask me to cane him, and he never has", which I happened to fantasise about several times in a row.  It seems, however, a bit unfair to write a post about whether submissives initiate things and why they may/may not, based on my one example of him never asking me to cane him, I mean it's not like he hasn't initiated other things.  Both because it could be read as me extrapolating something ridiculous from something small (You never initiate anything because you don't do this one particular thing) and because it seems a bit unfair to make such a big issue out of him not doing something I've never mentioned I would like (which I haven't, mainly because it was just a surface thought/desire that appeared and then disappeared before I mentioned it to him). 

And that's the thing.  A lot of stuff that might inspire me to write a post can be really small, little things, and sometimes little problems that I've just never mentioned to him because they're mostly transitory.  And writing about them in a post would make them kind of solid, big things, when really it's more the ideas and feelings behind them that I start getting interested in delving into, and the actual things that spark the inspiration are not that important to me, or I probably would have already mentioned them to him.  I guess it just feels strange that I might reveal something to the internet, through a post that requires time and effort, that I haven't already told him, but a lot of this stuff just doesn't really come up, I just don't think about it.

The other thing is that, of course, I'm talking about him in a lot of this.  And I may say he feels a certain thing, or thinks a certain way.  And I may be completely wrong in this, and actually he thinks another thing, and since most of the time I would probably be simplifying and generalising his feelings, most of the time I would not capture what he feels that accurately, unless I were to write a whole post about it to explore it properly, which isn't really the way I picture mentioning the way he feels.  I don't actually think he'd have much of a problem if I did say something that was wrong (though I can imagine the whole "How can you think I think that when I do/say XYZ all the time?!" but probably more because I can imagine me reacting that way and getting hurt, in similar circumstances).  But it sort of gets me, the idea that I might be misrepresenting him to the whole of the internet.  Which is a silly feeling, really, but one that kind of makes me hesitate, nonetheless.

To be honest, writing this, a lot of it seems rather silly, which is good.  It seemed like kind of a big thing, in my head, but I think that was probably because I was worried I couldn't be honest about some things with my boyfriend, and that seemed like a very bad way to be, since I do try to be honest about everything with him.  But I don't think it's that.  I think I viewed it as 'I feel I can be more honest with strangers than with my partner?!' and that seemed wrong.  But actually, this is more just my own head, thoughts and feelings within myself, and it makes sense that part of me worries about them being open and exposed.  Writing leaves me feeling open, and vulnerable sometimes, since it allows a window into my inner self, into who I am.  Even when someone reads my fiction I feel that, let alone if someone were to read my personal thoughts.  And I want to expose all these random thoughts and feelings and share them with him, but I think I just don't want it to end up hurting him, or us, because since I'm not talking /to/ him, but about and around him if you will, there could easily be miscommunication.  But I don't think that would be that hard to handle anymore, and I think in many ways it would be good; it may well clear up misunderstandings between us, if he can see what I think about things. I like how writing things down clears things up some of the time.  And I look forward to sharing random parts of myself with anyone on the internet who might be interested, and with my partner.

Lack of Posts

I haven't posted anything for about a month now.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm finding it a bit difficult to work out what I want to write, and how I want to write it.  I started this blog because I read a lot of blogs, and they inspired something in me that made me want to write, that made me want to have and express what they did.  I wanted the violent passion of Ferns' blog (Domme Chronicles), the beauty and sentiments in Selena and Dymion's blog (Mount-Latmus), and the radical honesty and ability to hash through and analyse problems in Dev's blog (Devastating Yet Inconsequential).  And I think in part, wanting all these different things, and wanting different writing styles has conflicted in me a bit, and I am not yet sure what /my/ writing style is like.  It is probably at times all of these things, and at times none, but I think my voice is finding it hard to get out in some way.  I am not sure.  But I feel a bit bad about starting this blog and then semi-abandoning it, and that is not my intention, and not what I think will happen.  Also, it is a bit difficult at times to know what, or how much, to say about things, for reasons I will mention in my next blog post.  And yes, there will be a next blog post, very soon most probably.  I have many thoughts buzzing around in my head right now, in a way that means I have to get them down, which is why I am writing this at 5am. 

So I guess this is just a message to say I am around, and contemplating writing many things, but somehow it just hasn't really happened yet.  But since I now have about 3 blog posts running round in my head, I imagine in the next day or two there will be many more.  I just wanted to acknowledge the rather large gap between posts, though, and attempt to explain it.