Thursday, 27 September 2012

3 Years

It’s been almost three years now, since I met my boy.

I’ve changed and grown a lot in that time.  I believe I was always quite mature for my age but regardless this was my first relationship and I know now that however mature I was in general, there is a certain emotional/relationship immaturity that you only really work through with experience.  There were probably a lot of things we should have or could have done differently.  And ironically –despite how ridiculously happy I am that we stayed together and have this now – if I did it all again, I would have done the sensible thing and left near the beginning.  Which makes this even more special in some ways, because what I have been willing to give and put up with is unique and won’t happen again – while this all worked out, putting so much effort in for so long for the *chance* it would work is too much of a risk and wouldn’t be worth it in the future.  My boy feels the same; with his experience now he wouldn’t do the same thing again and stay beyond a few months with the problems we had.  But I am very pleased to say that we are both ecstatically happy with what we have now and what our relationship has become.

These three years have been hugely transitional for both of us; taking me from the ages of 18 to 21 – my first two years of University followed by a year’s work experience; and taking him from the ages of 22 to 25 for his final years of University, graduation, finding a job and also working for a year.  We’ve lived apart for a couple of years but more importantly the last year we’ve lived together.  So changes to all parts of our lives – relationship, living circumstances, work, education…it’s been a lot to deal with both individually and together.  And I’m proud of how well we’ve done and how well we’ve come out of it, in all aspects of our lives.

It is a small miracle that considering when we entered this neither of us knew what we were doing or what we wanted in the end, we have both ended up discovering we want the same thing from a relationship and from life – especially considering that ‘thing’ is a really quite extreme dynamic.  But we do, we’re perfectly matched in so many ways and we couldn’t be happier.

As I said, our dynamic is really quite extreme, and it has been evolving that way (with ups and downs) for the last three years, but in particular the last 6 months or so.  I have always leant towards extremity in terms of the control and power I wanted to have, but living and being certain in that power, being able to use it without hesitation, well…did I mention I was a lovely shy little thing a few years ago?  My boy has been loving, caring and patient in bringing out those parts of me, in showing me what I can and want to have.  And likewise, I have been loving, caring and patient (mostly) in encouraging his submission, in wooing him with my love and dominance and helping him discover what he wants and needs.

And now – well, I have it all.  He’s mine, I keep him as my very own safely at my heel, to pet and play with and order around and have satisfy my every desire.  We’re “TPE” or whatever you want to call it, however you want to think of it – it means different things for different people.  He’d do anything for me.  Can you believe that?  I didn’t at first.  But it’s true – he’ll take whatever I give him, he’ll be a good little boy for me, serving and obeying whatever the order and however he feels.  He’s spent the last couple of weeks especially proving that to me, and I’ve spent the last couple of weeks wrapping him completely around my finger.  And enjoying every moment of it.  It’s a crazy feeling – looking at someone and thinking with a smile “I can do/say x and it will just happen”, feeling that sort of power – but it gives me the butterflies-in-my-stomach falling in love feeling all the time. 

I could talk about him all day, all the little things he does, how wonderfully good he is for me now.  And sure, there’s no way I’d allow anything else nowadays, and he certainly has an appropriate level of fear of displeasing me, but isn’t needed.  He wants to be the best he can for me – because he loves me.  That much.  And I’m not naïve, he has limits and I know it; there are things that make him uncomfortable and that he finds incredibly difficult, things that make him worry about what obeying might do to him.  But I also know from experience that I can push these limits, I can meet these things and if I wish I can overcome them with him in a way that makes us both feel special and loved and close to each other.

And you know what I love more than anything else here?  The passion.  We are, almost 3 years on, unable to keep our hands off each other.  I think there’s something about being in a dynamic like this – even though it is a life thing for us now and not just sexual control, all of it is rooted inherently in sexual feelings.  We are both very aware of my dominance and control…and I miiight just go out of my way to make it clear anyway, so we’re both really rather sexually charged.  We’re all over each other and I can’t get enough of it – there’s something about looking at him and every time feeling that *want*.  Plus, any idea how much easier it is to control a boy who melts with desire every time he looks at you? ;)

So we’re in a wonderful place together and I don’t see that changing.  I know that our relationship will continue growing and developing and new things will come along to challenge us and I don’t pretend to be nearly as mature as I will be.  But a lot has happened and I feel happily justified in looking back and saying “wow – that was an accomplishment”.  I can’t really describe everything I have now, I’ve just alluded to it in parts here…a boy who means more to me than anything else, someone to laugh and have fun with, to discuss complex and interesting topics, to talk through tough and challenging decisions…who will also fall helplessly to my feet with a word, gesture or look, who will shut his mouth the moment I say I’m not interested in his opinion, who will follow obediently wherever I lead us.

But really, forget all the labels.  We’re just a couple of young people hopelessly in love with each other.

No comments:

Post a Comment